Motherhood has been, and will forever be, the greatest blessing and the greatest challenge I have endured in my life. After becoming a mom, I realized quickly how difficult I felt it was to manage the unexpectedness of every day, and the anxiety and irritability I felt when things did not go according to plan.
I have always been a person who appreciates routine and structure, and becoming a mom to a baby who struggled with colic proved to be especially challenging for me. Breastfeeding was, in hindsight, incredibly overstimulating, often leading to moments of anger and frustration while attempting to feed my squirmy baby. Many days I found myself shouting “I HATE BREASTFEEDING!”, feeling immediately guilty afterwards and spiraling into a fit of crying that would last for half an hour.
As my son grew, I found that moments of overstimulation (aka daily life) caused me to become someone I didn’t recognize, snapping at him and losing my patience more than I would expect, feeling deep guilt afterwards. Prior to having my second son, I started therapy in the hope of finding coping mechanisms to help me get through the newborn phase with more patience and to avoid struggling in my postpartum period.
I have continued my therapy as my boys have grown, and through therapy with my amazing counselor, have realized my triggers for becoming anxious and irritable, and identified that many times this occurs when I feel overstimulated in my environment, leading my body to feel unsafe and go into fight or flight mode. Discussing my experience openly and honestly with my therapist helped her suggest to me that I may struggle with high-functioning ADHD, a condition that is severely underdiagnosed in women. My immediate reaction was “No, there’s no way I have ADHD.” I am a successful nurse practitioner, did not struggle in school, and am generally not overly hyperactive. My therapist shared with me that women often show different signs of ADHD than men or than young boys, and are often misdiagnosed with anxiety or depression, rather than the true root cause of ADHD.
After screening and meeting with a wonderful psychiatric nurse practitioner, I have officially been diagnosed with ADHD at the age of (nearly) 37 years old. I have realized that my entire life has been spent compensating for how my brain naturally works: using flashcards and constantly highlighting books in school, finding that earplugs help me be a better mom, and tuning out the world in overstimulating environments. I now feel more empathy towards myself, which has been very difficult, as part of ADHD is having negative self-thoughts, constantly wondering why I can’t be as organized as other moms, or why I am not the kind, fun, easy-going mom I see on IG, enjoying playing freely with their children in messy, overstimulating situations.
I acknowledge that one or both of my boys is likely to struggle with ADHD as well, and hope to be able to help them through learning to help myself. While I am still on my ADHD self-discovery journey, I am grateful to have the tools available to learn more about how my brain works, in the hope of becoming a better mom in the process.
