Take a look at our Christmas card photo this year, and you might think, “Yep, they’ve cracked the code.” Eleven glowingly healthy faces in athleisure and Nike Dunks… we’re a vibe. Blessed? Absolutely. But what those aesthetic snapshots don’t show are the three decades of learning, unlearning, failing forward, and emotional whiplash that come with parenting kids from elementary school to adulthood. We are not picture-perfect parents; we’re imperfect humans raising imperfect humans, and we’ll be whacking our way through the parenting weeds for at least another thirty years.
So here entering the new year, resolving to avoid resolutions, reflecting like an oxymoron in a ponytail and yoga pants. I’m asking myself what’s still serving our family and what needs to be gracefully sent out to pasture. And, ironically, after a rough 48 hours of parenting (yes, not even a holiday break for the weary), we keep circling back to our tried-and-true basics, our reminders, mantras, stratagems, Hauserisms that keep the train on the tracks. These are the things we want our tweens, teens, and young adults to carry into their big, beautiful, sometimes brutal lives, and honestly, they’re the things we adults need branded on our own hearts, too.
How do you eat an elephant?
One bite at a time. Overwhelm is real. Life feels big – big bills, big emotions, big decisions, big unknowns. Looking at the whole can shut us down. Paralysis by fear and indecision. But everything, everything, gets done the same way: slowly, steadily, intentionally, bite by bite.
Application: When your kid is staring down a monumental task (writing the essay, cleaning their room, returning a tough email), help them name just one next step. Progress is progress. Sometimes, forward is simply enough. Just keep swimming, Dory.
Control the controllables.
You are the only thing you actually control. We cannot will someone else into maturity, kindness, adulthood, sobriety, responsibility, gratitude, or getting out of bed. Changing others is a losing game, but shaping ourselves? That’s the winning ticket.
Application: We ask our kids: What can you control today? What are you putting in your body and mind? Where does your money go? Who (or what) do you surround yourself with? How do you spend your time?
We use this old Cherokee parable all the time. It describes our internal battle between our dark wolf (anger, ego, greed, etc.) and our light wolf (love, kindness, joy). Which wolf wins the battle? It’s not a trick question. The winning wolf is the one you feed. Whoa. Always a gut punch. Autonomy is empowering and humbling. Feed the right wolf.
Attitude and Effort.
If I could save myself the breath and tattoo anything on my forehead, it might be this. Talent is uneven. Opportunity is unpredictable. Attitude and effort? Always available. You may not always win, but you can always show up. We tell our kids it’s acceptable to get beaten; it’s not acceptable to lose… and there’s a difference. You lose when you don’t give your best attitude and effort. You lose when you don’t learn.
Application:We ask two questions after every game (or test, or insert any big event): What attitude did you bring? Did you give your best effort? We rarely need follow up discussion. The kids are almost always spot on; they know.
Don’t make decisions in the valley.
Quitting is allowed if it’s stopping what isn’t serving you. BUT… emotional decision-making is basically clicking “Complete Purchase” at midnight when you’re tired, lonely, and convinced your life will change if you own a bread maker. We support “quitting,” but not making that choice from the bottom of the valley. Scrape your way up the other side first. Regroup. Regulate. Then decide with logic, not emotion.
Application: Respond, don’t react. Responses are calculated and controlled. Reactions are emotional. When emotions surge, we support you through the muck and mire, and we’ll help you respond when you’re ready. A nap and a sandwich solve a lot. Time and perspective solve a lot more.
You are who you hang out with.
And what you consume. And what you allow in. Our environment shapes us, and we get to choose most of it. Hanging out with people who drag us away from who we want to become just makes it harder.
Application: Ask: “Does this person/music/social feed pull me toward or away from the person I want to be?” No guilt, just awareness and informed decision-making.
You are not defined by your past.
You are defined by your future. Sit with that. Really sit. My husband said this, on repeat, a thousand times this year. “The past is a place of reference, not residence.” Mistakes are teachers, not identity statements. Regret keeps you stuck; reflection keeps you moving.
Application: Have your kids imagine their future self (next week, next year, ten years) and ask: “What does that version of you wish you did today?” Let future you be the guide.
In the end, the twenty-seventh revision of our parenting manual looks more like a messy stack of coffee-stained, tear-soaked lessons we’ve collected through trial, error, love, and even some panic sprinkled in the creases.
Our kids won’t remember every lecture (thankfully), but we hope they’ll remember these gems when they stare down their next elephants. One step, one bite at a time.
