Disclaimer: This article does not address serious, universally accepted, traumatic adverse childhood experiences, nor does it dismiss them. It is meant purely for entertainment and conversation purposes.
Like any overwhelmed mom on the brink, I often self-soothe with a mindless rom-com. One of my favorites? How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days – peak Hudson-McConaughey, peak cringe. In it, an advice columnist turns her life into a chaotic case study to prove a point. Sound familiar? As a seasoned mom of eight, with 26 years of parenting under my belt, I decided to take a crack at my own list… only this time, How to Mess Up Your Kid in 10 Ways. When I asked my adult children to weigh in with their experiences (and those of friends, colleagues, or teammates), they were at first skeptical. Was it a trap? Nah. But once they got going, their honest answers might surprise you.
Doing Too Much For Us
Their Take: Helicoptering, fixing, saving, babying —whatever you want to call it —too much can stunt growth. We have to be able to resolve conflicts, problem-solve, and take initiative.
My Take: Ouch. I hate watching my kids flop. I meant to protect, but I ended up enabling. It turns out that independence breeds more independence, while dependence breeds… well, a full-time job you never applied for. I started noticing my own gender bias – cheering on my daughters’ toughness while coddling the boys. Ultimately, I settled on the “bumper bowling” approach. I’ll keep you in your lane and out of the gutter, but the rest is up to you. Natural consequences suck, but they’re effective.
Trying to Be Our Friend
Their Take: Having “cool parents” who act like part of the gang doesn’t really pan out. We need parents to lend us the skills and wisdom we don’t have yet.
My Take: Preach. Once, my son’s girlfriend overheard a “coaching conversation” I was having with some of the kids. Afterward, she looked at us and said, “I wish my parents would parent me, too.” Mic drop. Boundaries are security – even when they feel like buzzkills.
Forgetting Manners Matter
Their Take: Don’t get lax on traditional manners and etiquette. Expect holding the door, please, thank you, yes sir, yes ma’am. These are essential to overall social awareness and human kindness. They set us apart.
My Take: Non-negotiable. Model, model, model. We don’t need black-tie events to be polite. Help that elderly man load his groceries. But, yes, you have to lift your face from your phone to notice.
Keeping Us Out Of Sports
Their Take: Sports teach us discipline, hard work, teamwork, goal-setting, work ethic, disappointment, and a healthy lifestyle. We use those skills every day. We “embraced the suck” and did the hard things. Still do.
My take: I’m biased – our family life is sports. But you don’t need to travel cross-country or play at elite levels. The benefits are real. And while band, theater, and art are also fantastic, steering kids away from sports out of injury fear? That’s a different conversation entirely.
Not Holding Us Accountable
Their Take: This is just another way to enable us. Our bosses or spouses won’t ignore the behaviors, so neither should you. No excuses.
My Take: I once listened to a speaker whose entire platform was, “Because I Said I Would.” I bought the shirt… and the philosophy.
Not Saying No Enough
Their Take: Sure, we don’t like to hear it, but hearing “no” is another healthy boundary. It’s not just getting used to disappointment or curbing instant gratification. It keeps us from becoming self-centered.
My Take: How you do the little things is how you do the big things. Saying “no” at the candy aisle helps me say “no” when the stakes are higher, like risky parties, toxic relationships, or bad influences.
Being An Only Child
Their Take: Yes, we are a very large family, but even just one sibling is a built-in teammate for life. Sharing, independence, communication, empathy, conflict resolution, problem-solving, negotiation – all sibling skills. Unconditional sibling love is second-to-none.
My Take: I know this one’s controversial, and the decision is deeply personal – medical, financial, emotional – all valid reasons to have only one child. I have witnessed sibling bonds up close, and family, as wild and messy and overwhelming as it can be, is an unconditional and irreplaceable gift.
Not Teaching Us to Self-Advocate
Their Take: We need to practice our assertive voices.
My Take: Whether negotiating whose turn it is to ride shotgun or a promotion at work, self-advocacy is essential to self-respect and may keep these kids safe too.
Making it About You
Their Take: Don’t live through us or project your dreams and ambitions on us. Likewise, our mistakes are not yours. We love you and want your support.
My Take: Gut punch. Watching your child take a path different from the one you envisioned for them is super tough. Loving them through it is all part of the job.
Letting the World Dictate the Rules
Their Take: Be brave. Try something bold, unpopular, or unconventional if it’s what we need. If we might benefit from homeschool or a different church, do it! If it doesn’t work, it’s okay. We’re resilient.
My Take: I no longer fear social pressure, nor am I scared to go against the grain. As I age, I care less about others’ opinions. I have gleaned so much confidence in my experiences as a mother. The difficult thing? The weird thing? It may be the right thing.
How’d you do? Me? I have room for growth. Thankfully, I have years of parenting to grow. But, if you’re feeling some guilt, never fear – you have done the very best with what you had, and for that, your child loves you. Now, go hug your kid. Apologize if you need to. And, get back to it!
, they were at first skeptical. Was it a trap? Nah. But once they got going, their honest answers might surprise you.){kind=link}