To my second child, I’m sorry. I’m sorry I wasn’t prepared for you to enter our lives as seamlessly as you did. For years, I wasn’t sure I wanted to add another family member. We had a good thing going; we had our routine, and eventually, we had grown past diapers and toddler naps. I was concerned that adding another would change the dynamics of our family. Instead, you have melted into our routine and our days with ease. You are here, and it’s as if you have always been.
I wasn’t prepared for how you would fit in like a fourth puzzle piece, one we never knew we were missing. I heard others say this would be the case, but I had a hard time believing them. Every time we talked about adding another, it never felt like the right time. We had always been the three best friends; I never felt like we needed anyone else. Yet here you are, and it’s impossible to imagine that you weren’t always a part of our family. You have intertwined our heartstrings, knitting the three of us closer together around you. You make us feel connected and whole.
I wasn’t prepared for the confidence that I have being a mother of two. I was always afraid our lives and routine would change if we added a baby. I was worried that I couldn’t do it and wouldn’t be able to do the same things. I was apprehensive and selfishly wondered if I would be the same. I’m not the same but in amazing ways. I have grown in motherhood when I thought I knew it all. I am confident in ways that I wasn’t before. Thank you for teaching me that I still had and have things to learn.
I wasn’t prepared to experience life’s small, everyday moments all over again through your new eyes: the trees, the breeze, a smiling face, a ceiling fan. I had watched your brother notice these things for the first time. I wasn’t prepared to now watch your brother observe YOU as you find extreme joy in those everyday instances and for him to find joy in them again too.
I wasn’t prepared for how much your big brother would love you and love on you. He is your biggest fan, your greatest annoyance, your protector, and your friend. He wants to be in your space constantly, touching you and just being near you. He asks about you when he first wakes up, when he first gets home from school and needs to see you again right before going to bed. He loves you in a way that I wasn’t prepared to witness. Watching the two of you interact daily is my greatest joy.
I wasn’t prepared to love another the way I love your brother. I agonized, wondering if it would change my relationship with him. I worried I would have to share and split that love, but that’s not the case. In some way, I have a duplicate level of crazy and infatuated love for you that I have for him and I don’t have to share any of it between the two of you. I wasn’t prepared to be able to feel that for you the way I do.
To my second child, I had so much doubt about growing our family. I’m sorry I wasn’t prepared for the certainty I feel with you in our lives now.
