I am the heaviest I’ve ever been.
And I am the happiest I’ve ever been.
The only other times I weighed more than I do now were during pregnancy.
Despite many positive changes over the past few years, we still live in a world that insists thin = happy. But I’ve learned something different.
First of all, I understand the importance of staying healthy, and I do my best. But I don’t follow workout plans. I don’t like them because they don’t bring me joy. What does? Family walks, riding bikes, playing with my kids. Embracing movement that feels good, not forced.
So why do I still feel that nagging pressure to lose 20 pounds?
Because now that I’m done having babies, I’m “supposed” to go back to my pre-pregnancy weight. Because that’s what would supposedly make me “happier.”
But the thinnest I’ve ever been… was also the most miserable I’ve ever felt.
Ten Years Ago
A decade ago, my oldest was about to turn one. I had returned to teaching five months earlier. At that time, I was exceedingly thin—even thinner than I had been on my wedding day. Everyone told me how amazing I looked.
But the truth? I was dangerously unhealthy both physically and mentally.
Physically, I’d dropped the weight so quickly due to a brutal case of mononucleosis that led to a liver infection. I missed a whole month of work just to recover.
Mentally, I was drowning in severe postpartum depression. I didn’t have a name for it yet, but I knew something was wrong. I felt guilty for leaving my baby. Ashamed that I wasn’t the workaholic teacher I once was. Overwhelmed by stress. Lonely. Angry at my husband. Scared of myself.
I was unraveling piece by piece.
But the number on the scale? Society would’ve called it #goalweight.
Fast Forward to Today
Now, I’m 40 pounds heavier than I was back then. And I’ve never been happier.
I have a circle of supportive friends. I’ve sought therapy and medication to care for my mental health. My husband and I work as a team. I found a career with a better work–life balance.
I’m healthier, fuller, and freer.
What I’ve Learned
Losing weight doesn’t automatically mean gaining health or happiness.
See your doctor, get your checkups, and take their advice. But stop letting the scale decide your worth. Who cares about your “goal weight”?
Focus on your goal life.
