I had a great childhood, and I felt loved by my parents. I felt safe and well cared for, but I became independent early on in my life. Not sure exactly why. Maybe it was being a middle child. Or maybe I saw the stress that my parents were under with life and my siblings that I adopted a ‘stay low and don’t need anything’ way of life. But, I didn’t realize how much this affected me–I didn’t realize how much I needed my mom until I became a mom.
Family dynamics are weird. As we grow up, we learn about who we are, our parents and siblings, and how we all interact with each other. So much of who we are can be affected by how and whom we were raised by. Growing up, I remember good times but never felt like I needed my parents. I wanted to hang out with them and spend time with them, but not the need that I had seen my siblings and friends need their parents.
I didn’t realize this about myself (among a lot of other things) until I became a mom. I’ve had two main thoughts–sadness and action.
This fact made me sad. Sad that I never felt okay asking for what I needed. Of course, I have needs, but I’m a ‘figure this out before asking for help’ kind of person, which has poured over into my motherhood, which hasn’t been healthy for me.
But I want to take action. After realizing this, I’ve decided on a few things. First, I am going to figure out how to ask for help and need something from someone. Asking for help and expressing need is such a vulnerable thing. I’ve started asking for help and stating what I need from my husband, friends, and mom.
I’m also trying to teach our kids that it’s okay to say ‘I need’ without feeling like a burden or worrying about the response. I’ve been trying to ask, ‘Do you need a hug?’ or ‘Do you need some time together?’. I’m unsure if this will work, but I want them to be comfortable with their needs. I want them to be comfortable asking for what they need. We all have needs, and that’s okay. In these moments, I’m reteaching myself, too, telling myself that it’s okay to be comfortable with my needs.
I’m also determined to reach out to my mom and express how I need her. This may be bumpier and more awkward since years of relationship ups and downs can be sticky. But I want to work on my relationships and myself, and part of that will be complicated. But this is her motherhood too–in mothering adult children. And I’ve often thought about how she probably needed her mom after becoming a mom.
I have learned so many things since becoming a mom. I didn’t realize how much I needed my mom until I became a mom. And I’m learning to ask for what I need in this time.
