Mom, What Your Adult Son Wants You to Know

There is no shortage of parenting advice. From well-meaning grandparents to influencers to therapists to pediatricians, you can fill volumes with accounts of “good” parenting and still barely scratch the surface. What is interesting is how much energy and intention goes into helping new parents while so little goes into sustaining veteran ones. Do we stop being new parents when our children sleep through the night, eat solid foods, potty train, or go to kindergarten? Or is it when they graduate high school? College? Have their own first child? The truth is, we are not only always parents, but we are also always new parents. Parenting is one job in which an impressive tenure doesn’t necessarily count for much.

As my daughters grow and become young women, I draw upon my own more relevant and recent experience to coach, guide, and support them. But how, as a woman, can I be a good mom to my grown sons? Sure, a few universal parenting constants cross over, but clearly, I’ve never been a man. How could I possibly relate to being one? So, I began researching. I did so through the under-represented lens of not just a boy mom but a grown boy mom… a man’s mom, well, in my case, two men’s mom. I sought (and continue to seek) to understand what exactly an adult-ish man needs from his mom. My boys are twenty and twenty-four, both collegiate athletes, one a military academy graduate of military studies, and one still in college. One is fully adulting; one is in the throws of figuring it all out. But as we sat down to really dive into what good momming looks like for grown sons, a few common themes emerged. They pulled from their own experiences and those of their colleagues, teammates, friends, superiors, and those in their charge. Here is what I learned:

Adult men need their mother’s influence and support as much as they did when they were children. Our sons want to know they are not alone now that they are grown. They need our consistency in messaging regardless of external factors. They rely on our unflappability.

Boys, especially busy boys, may seem annoyed by or unappreciative of the organizational and self-care lessons we teach, but those lessons are imperative to their future success. Simple things like proactively keeping a bedroom clean, staying on top of laundry, and organizing a book bag are early lessons in efficiency and effectiveness. They matter. Teaching young boys to care for themselves will make it easier later when it matters more.

Women aren’t the only ones with big emotions. Like women, men can feel lonely, even more so in large groups. Don’t assume a large social group equates to fulfillment. Our young men can be surrounded by others and still be lonely.

Leaving the house, even voluntarily, feels like being thrown to the wolves. As exciting as independence appears, it is overwhelming. Our sons feel like they are expected to have it all together and should have it all figured out. They don’t. Insecurity and pressure are undertones of nearly every adult man, regardless of what it looks like on the outside.

Our adult-ish sons need to have a safe place to vent without judgment. They do not always need a litany of suggestions or fixes. Many times, our sons want their moms to simply acknowledge, “That sounds really tough. I’m sorry you’re going through that.” Admitting we sympathize but often cannot empathize is good enough.

Moms need to check in – frequently. Simple text messages work, but our guys actually want to talk, too. If we don’t ask, they won’t tell. We need to ask, and we need to be ready to listen. At this age, it’s getting real. The stakes are higher. These years are as formative as any, and our sons want to know Mom is there.

Many adult sons view their mothers as their number one resource for just about anything. We are their personal Google. Whether it is how to boil an egg, register to vote, or ask a girl on a date, they trust us to know. At the very least, they trust us to help them figure it out if we don’t.

We are different from them. (Duh) Guys will do guy stuff that we will never understand. As moms, we need to get over it. It’s a thing.

Our sons need us to hold them accountable, first when they are young and then in every season after that. There will be resistance. When our sons are older, they will better understand the importance of being held to a standard, especially a standard of excellence. Most of our sons don’t live in the gray. They are black and white, so clear expectations, clear communication, and clear standards serve them best.

As adults, the skills our sons have found serve them best are self-advocacy, the ability to think critically, and the ability to speak and communicate with others effectively and articulately. Though we’re not men, they want us to teach them about being a good and confident man. A confident man knows how to shake a hand, introduce himself, and to have a presence and gravity about him that allows him to be respected and heard.

That’s it.

In the end, it was how my sons began that resonated most deeply. While I started with, “What do you think moms of adult men need to know?” They started with, “Thank you for asking.” More than anything else, I learned I need to do a whole lot more of that.