It’s been a moment since I shared an update about my nonbinary journey. If you’ve read my previous post, I talked about discovering how I was nonbinary, sharing the revelation with my husband, health care provider, and a few close friends who I knew wouldn’t judge or question.
I’m happy to report that I’ve now shared the information with more folks, most importantly my siblings. We’ve spent my entire life (as I am the oldest) together, and knowing that they’ll be my support until the end, it was really imperative for my mental well-being that they know who I am on every level.
Sadly, because we live so far away, I had to share the information with both through the phone. Hysterically, one of my siblings already had an inkling because they follow what I post and repost on social media sites like TikTok, and they had also been on a shopping trip with my partner when he purchased an item for me that was nonbinary themed (real smooth love). Thankfully, both of my siblings were welcoming and understanding. They were happy that I trusted them enough to share this information with them, but just because it ended happily doesn’t mean that I didn’t agonize over it for weeks.
It took me a long time to figure out just how I would share that I didn’t feel one particular gender or the other. I was worried they would want a better explanation of why I wasn’t more androgynous or why I didn’t realize this about myself sooner. The worst fear that I had was being cut out of their lives in the event that they didn’t think they could accept or understand why I felt that being nonbinary gave me internal peace.
I’d like to think that for both of them, it made sense. Regardless of my inner instinct to mother and take care of them, both my siblings knew my reverence for wearing my father’s work boots, smooth bike leather jacket, and turning down feminine items like dresses unless it was absolutely necessary meant a little more than me just being a ‘tomboy.’ They understood that I’ve been searching for a long time for the best way to express how I’ve felt internally on the outside. I’m so incredibly grateful that I have an accepting family, and I feel even more for those who don’t.
Pivoting a little from my siblings to my own children. I’ve been worried about how they would take to their mother (I’ve opted for them to continue calling me their mom, mama, mother, whatever they’d like because that is who I am in relation to them) being nonbinary. It had been a few weeks of me experimenting with things like not shaving under my arms or legs, being more confident in wearing items that made me look more masculine some days, and other days wearing makeup in an expression of femininity. Each experiment garnered some extra time staring at me or asking questions about why I was randomly (and finally) wearing earrings or why my jeans were less form-fitting and more loose.
I was fearful that this would be too much back and forth for them, but I like to think that the fact that we’ve practiced and preached about acceptance in our home since they were born, they’ve taken it in stride and continued with their days. One evening, we were all cuddled in their room watching a recent Netflix release, Nimona.
I didn’t know anything about the plot or the fact that the character was nonbinary until I walked in mid-movie, and my husband told me to sit and watch. I was enthralled and so happy to see that my children loved the main character and marveled at how they were able to change. Granted, they didn’t only change their outward appearance from female to male. They could also turn into animals like dragons or bears, something that I cannot.
As I watched the movie with a lump in my throat, my youngest turned to me and said, “Mama, you’re just like Nimona.” Cue the tears. My husband turned to look at me and smiled. I hugged that little baby so tight and thanked them for what they said.
I’ll tell you that Nimona and I look nothing alike. They rock a pink hairdo that I could only dream of achieving, have a multitude of piercings, and wear garments that I could never pull off. Also, they’re a fictional character, so they can do amazing shape-shifting things, but I think what my kid saw in both of us is the way that we don’t fear living our life in a gender-fluid nature.
I hope to share more with you as this year of revelation and transition continues for me, and perhaps one day, I’ll be less fearful to share my name. While I’m happy to have this platform to provide insight into how my life has changed, I’d be remiss if I didn’t state that I’m still fearful of coming out completely. Not because I am ashamed of who I am, but because being ‘othered’ in our Country currently can come with consequences that could truly hurt my family. I hope that one day there will be less hate and I’ll have less fear for those that I love with all my heart, but until that day comes, I’ll continue to write about this anonymously with the desire that I give hope to another who is desperately trying to understand who they are, just like I was.
