Our family loves music, big feelings, and art. We are sensitive to sound and vibes. My husband is a drummer and I’m an artist. Parenthood throws us for a loop in a huge way: sensory triggers. For years, my husband and I would often snap at each other or get short with the kids during specific scenarios, which frustrated us. It took a little figuring out about our own brains and some diagnosis, and voila- every argument finally made sense! It wasn’t so much us, but our surroundings that triggered many of these spats. Since then, we’ve been able to troubleshoot to minimize or avoid the biggest barriers to our peace.
Long Road Trips
A few of my siblings had to suffer through these moments with us while we made a sometimes four-hour trek to see family in Chicago. The combination of a crying baby and spit up in the early days had us pulling over constantly, encountering more obstacles like traffic or closures, and then bickering the rest of the way. Now, despite the kids being older and less apt to vomit, the auditory challenges of four voices in a car and four needs in such a tight space are overwhelming. My husband and I agreed to a three and a half hour trip cap. If it’s going to be more than that, we either won’t go or we will fly.
Too Many People In One Place
Another rule we have is not to combine cars with other young families unless it’s a trip under thirty minutes. We use headphones, earplugs, and other tools to cope with the noise levels in our crew. Adding other children to the equation is often way too overwhelming for us. This may change, though, as our kids are six and two right now. The six-year-old is great with cousins and friends on long trips and, in fact, benefits from having a peer to relate to.
I broke this no combined long roadtrips rule recently and found myself actually having a panic attack, sobbing from the stress of a child being upset and crying with the inability to stop.
Time Wasted in Lines at Airports
I love airports, but especially since having kids, I dislike waiting around too much before the plane boards. After having our first, we found that hauling everything through the standard TSA line and removing shoes while holding kids added unneeded stress, so we all got TSA Pre-Check.
Another pain point was trying to find food in the airport. Lines were inevitable. Eventually, we tried a lounge membership. The quieter spaces, staffed entrance doors that closed (no ninja toddler escapes to worry about), and buffet-style food offerings took off another layer of stress. We discovered which credit cards include free lounge access. Especially when traveling alone with the kids, lounge access is a huge asset.
Formal Dinners Out
We either get sitters or choose a kid-friendly spot with activities for children – at least something to color, but ideally somewhere they can move and be themselves. If they have to come to a longer dinner, we bring headphones and activities for my auditory sensitive son because loud sounds, music, and lights combined are often too much for him. He’s been this way since birth. In fact, we didn’t have a 1st birthday for him, just a small meal with grandparents, local siblings, and a quick Happy Birthday song. I also often will make a quick exit with the kids.
Loud Sounds like Buzzers and Dryers
My kids cry if a hairdryer or clippers go within a 5-foot radius. So, I either cut their hair or we advocate again and again in the salon so they feel safe. I remember as a kid cringing or shivering at the incredibly loud sound of those power flush toilets in public settings. I think the boys will someday outgrow this, but for now, we accommodate because it truly frightens them.
Pressure about Meals or Dishes
We used to be die-hard one-cooks (me) and the other cleans (usually Josh). But during the school year or busy seasons, we’ve been stocking up on some Trader Joe’s frozen meals, and sometimes a dish sits overnight. With two kids and their two lives we are building, it’s just not that simple. This used to kill me, but it’s helped me learn to slowly let that go.
Those who don’t care or try to understand
If relatives or friends either belittle or question these choices we make to protect our children, we distance ourselves. People who make ADHD or autism jokes will be checked in real time. It’s 2025, please do some research. And if you say something insensitive around my children, please apologize.
How these changes have helped our family
I spent decades knowing my brain was different and finding ways to cope. Motherhood changed all that by removing those coping options and bringing me to my knees. I could see that aspects of the motherhood role were challenging for peers. But the pain in my brain and the overwhelm could only be explained by tests and eventual clinical understanding. Noticing that auditory and sensory triggers were huge for both my husband and I was such a game changer for our relationship. Our brains absorb more of our surroundings and filter out less. This influx of sensory input often makes us tired and irritable. We need accommodations. Understanding that our brains feel actual pain in some scenarios empowers me to have compassion. It’s ok to ask for what we need. For more ways on how to love neurodivergent loved ones, a quick search and simply asking them can really help.
If you or a loved one are neurodivergent, what rules or accommodations have you discovered to help you and your family?
