Many of us grow up with a plan. A plan to find the perfect partner, get married, buy a house with a white picket fence, get a dog (or a cat if you’re into that sort of thing), have two perfect children, and live happily ever after. Why wouldn’t life work out exactly like we planned? I mean, we had a plan. Doesn’t life know that? Then one day, you’re single, 32 years old, and the perfect partner shows up with children.
Many of us don’t grow up with grand plans to become a step parent. We have all seen the movies with evil stepmothers (I’m looking at you Cinderella) and it has never looked like a desirable position to have. When I met Mr. Right and found out he had children, was I supposed to run the other way because I had heard all the stories, all the stereotypes? Or did I think that surely all of those stereotypes can’t all be true? That my situation will be different. That the children’s biological mother will actually like me. Because why wouldn’t she? I thought that I would create a beautiful blended family dynamic- one with no drama, joint vacations, and full family get-togethers. My situation will be different. It just has to be.
But what about if it’s not? What if happily ever after doesn’t come with perfectly blended families, easy custody schedules, or an appreciation that the children have another person to love them and care for them? What if everything I built up for how my life could be and should be isn’t really how blended family life plays out? The coparenting dynamic I was introduced to in the beginning of my relationship with my husband and what it morphed into over months and years look like night and day. By coming into this dynamic when things were less high conflict, I felt as though my presence alone could be triggering, merely because I existed. I was aware that I represented the door closing on a family remaining as one unit. Maybe things weren’t great between the parents and everyone knew that, but me being around at all shows the permanency of a family never getting back together. I was aware of that and tried to “stay in my lane” because that coparenting relationship was not my business.
As an outsider coming into a situation, I recognized what’s fair and what is not. I had a lot of concerns and raised a lot of questions. The internet was my friend and I learned all about child support calculators and Parenting Time Guidelines. Attorneys got involved, since they hadn’t been previously, and life got really expensive, really fast, and within months of us closing on our house. Suddenly the thoughts I had in the beginning about a perfectly blended family were replaced with thoughts of just hoping we can all stand to be in the same room together and dreading every time the other parent’s name appeared on one of our phones.
This change from optimism to dread didn’t happen overnight. I found myself slowly letting go of the vision I had for my own life with my husband and how easy things would be. I let go of the vision I had for a wedding and “ours baby” because when bank accounts are being drained for kids who are already here, what you want takes a backseat. I let go of the life I wanted for my stepchildren and the harmony that could be created. I held out spaces for hope because when something went right, I convinced myself that maybe everyone is turning a new leaf. Maybe after the next mediation everyone will calm down and we can get back to a new “normal”. Slowly, the spaces that I held out for hope, got smaller and smaller as conflict continued to increase. One day I woke up five plus years in, five meditations later, and still questioning how we got here.
Did I really know what I signed up for? Most stepmoms have heard it- “You knew what you were signing up for!”. But, what if I didn’t? What if I didn’t sign up for a high conflict situation because it’s not the situation I originally walked into? It was a bait and switch and now all I can do is attempt to navigate an ever changing dynamic, while still loving and supporting my husband. The stress of high conflict coparenting is the center of attention in our relationship at times, which is more often than I would ever like to admit. It’s a constant juggling act and one that is often unspoken. Treat your stepchildren as your own, but not like that because they have a mom. Be involved, but not that involved. Be a taxi for the kids when work, custody, and practice schedules aren’t matching up, but then go away because you are not needed. Don’t have a say in anything because you’re not the actual parent- which I find actually creates a pretty dynamic spot of being the most rational party. I have heard it all.
At the end of the day, regardless of whether or not I knew what I signed up for, and how what I thought I was signing up for may have changed, my main priorities are my husband and the two children who depend on us. Date nights pull my husband and I through. When everything around us makes zero sense, we have one another to lean on. The kids are oblivious to the fact that all of this conflict exists- as they should be. They only know they have all they could ever need in our home and we are a phone call away if needed. No situation is perfect. Nor should it be expected to be. Some situations are just more imperfect than others. While I hoped for a different situation, I’ve accepted that it takes multiple people to create a peaceful dynamic, and maybe, that’s just not our path.
