As a chronic people pleaser, “just accept the help” in the postpartum period feels like asking me if I’d like to clear spider webs from my garage. Yes, I am physically capable of that, but I’d much rather just park outside from now on, thank you very much.
I have surprised myself recently by actually saying “Yes” as a first-time mom in early postpartum, and even asking for what I need, too. (I think we can attribute some of this new behavior to desperation for naps–but hey, it’s worked). Like any skill, though, it requires practice, and I’m here to share how I think this mindset can be replicated.
Saying Yes: Outpacing Your Own Mind
To any offer of help that sounded remotely enticing, I quickly said “Yes,” before I could even consider saying “No.”
“Can I come help with laundry this weekend?” “Yes! Please!”
“What was the name of the food delivery app you used so I can send a gift card?” “Oh wow! It’s DoorDash, thank you!”
“Can I give you a pedicure when I come to visit?” “HOW COULD I EVER SAY NO TO THAT!?” (When your friend pursues nail artistry – SUPPORT THEM).
Frankly, this has been an easy hack to discover. Between breastfeeding and diapering, I only have a few minutes on my phone, so I may as well make the most of it. Instead of spending my time worrying about whether I could just manage on my own, I could spend that time being grateful to those who offered help and thanking them for it.
Asking for Help: Pressing Pause on Your Stress List
At night, when rocking the baby to sleep, I’m also making mental lists of chores that need to be done and anything we need to buy. Most times, it makes sense to use that baby swing to do the dishes as fast as possible or rely on two-day shipping to order extra burp rags.
But, I found that when I obsessed over this growing list of what I was falling behind on, anxiety would quickly follow, and that was my sign I needed to pause and ask for help.
Two nights of absolutely no sleep, and I was calling my mother-in-law for help. No surprise–she was in my driveway 48 hours later. She got a few good snuggles in, took care of trash and dishes, and I’ve never fallen asleep so fast!
Quickly after the baby’s arrival, my dad offered to buy anything we may need. Cue ominous music! Asking someone for financial help feels somehow way more daunting than asking someone for help moving the trashcan to the curb. But postpartum was proving to be a quick adder to costs. So when I realized I had no nursing-friendly clothes, I decided that the time I was spending weighing whether I should try to make my clothes work or buy a select few items to keep costs down, I could make a conservative list of pieces that would help, and reach out to my dad. I let him know I was lacking clothes for this period of life, and asked if he would be open to helping out in this way and I received an enthusiastic, “Of course! Send me some links so I can get them ordered.” (By the way, these are the tops I ordered and they worked great for me. Henley tops all the way).
I found that the people-pleasing critic in my head that tells me how I should be managing everything by myself – as if becoming a parent is easy, right? – could prevent me from building my village. After accepting some help, I realized this was a way for friends and family to share the love they have for my new family when I really needed it, and instead of guilt, I could allow myself to feel gratitude for the support I’ve received in postpartum.
