Lately I’ve found my brain going around and around in circles about who I am and who I want to be at age 43 and in this season of my life. I know I’m not alone in this. Pre-motherhood, I used to know who I was and what was important to me. I used to have interests of my own and hobbies that I liked to do for and by myself, but somewhere on this crazy train called motherhood, I think I left all of that sitting on a bench in the station and I’m not sure at this point if I’ll ever get it back.
Let’s get one thing straight before I unpack this any further, I am not complaining about motherhood. Being “mama” to Cooper and Cyrus is, by far, my greatest achievement to date. It is so fulfilling and rewarding, and I literally couldn’t love them more. I’m good at mommin’, even when I feel like I’m failing. Even when I had postpartum depression, and I felt like I had the weight of the entire world on my lonely little shoulders, there was still a part of me that knew I was doing OK. I love being a mom. Wouldn’t trade it.
BUT……….. something is missing from my life and I’m finally at a place where I feel at peace with saying that. I feel a pull toward parts of the old me. After 12 years of being focused on only motherhood, I finally remember who I was before all of this craziness.
(Sometimes) I miss people calling me by my name and not “Cooper’s mom” or “Cy’s mama.” I miss high heels and clothes that are more fashionable than functional and my body….though I am in awe of the beautiful people my body has created and the things it has endured since entering motherhood, I. MISS. MY. BODY. I miss having sex without fear that I am going to look up and find my kids watching in horror from the doorway. I miss regular dates with my husband and vacations on a whim to beachy places where we would spend the week actually relaxing instead of worrying about what the kids were doing the whole time. I want some of that back. Just a little. I want a happy medium. Somewhere between “mama” and the old me. I know that it is possible.
More than all of that, I am missing having something to call my own. I gave up my career for motherhood, and while I don’t regret it, I feel like the time has come to begin back down that path. The path will look and feel different as I look and feel different, but I feel the itch to do something that lights a fire in me and for me. I’m ready to be more than “mama” and I finally feel like that is alright.