I turn 30 next year. 30 is a significant milestone. I thought I’d plan a fun birthday and look forward to my 30th. It turns out I’m having a crisis. I thought I would be confident, beautiful, fit, and accomplished by age 30; I feel far from it. I’m not the person that I had hoped to be.
I wanted to exude confidence, laugh easily, and feel comfortable in my skin. The honest truth is I am very shy. I stumble over my words. I lose my train of thought and talk in circles. In the movie 13 Going on 30, Jennifer Garner plays the part of Jenna, a 13-year-old girl. She is not popular at school. She wishes to be “30, flirty and thriving.” Through magic dust-poof! Her wish becomes a reality. She wakes up a beautiful, successful woman living in New York City. However, this means she’s a 13-year-old girl in a grown woman’s body. She feels insecure and unsure of herself. That’s how I feel at times-awkward in my own body. I was an awkward teenager. My hair was frizzy. I battled acne. As an adult, I have learned how to style my hair. The acne is gone. Despite that, I focus on the frizz that shows and the acne scars that remain.
The clock is ticking as 30 approaches. A yearly review I had at work listed “grow in confidence” as an area of improvement. I remember sitting down with my boss when I got that review in 2020. “How can I grow in confidence?” I asked her. She suggested that I do positive affirmations and shared that research has supported the effectiveness of doing positive affirmations. I do not doubt that she’s right. However, I have tried. I have read books about confidence, listened to podcasts, and practiced saying positive affirmations. I have tried to grow in confidence but am not ‘there’ yet.
How can you become the person that you had hoped to be? Thirty years is a lot of time that has passed. Yet, I’m still learning and still struggling. Like many people, I have a bucket list. There are many things that I had planned to accomplish in my 20’s. Some things on my bucket list were running a marathon, going to grad school, and serving in overseas medical missions. Yet 30 is approaching, and these items on my bucket list remain unchecked. A big part of it is that my life has taken a different path. My husband joined the army. We moved around quite a bit. Grad school for my husband and full-time work for me left little room for hobbies.
The more I think about turning 30, the more I see how much I have to be grateful for. I have a great husband. I have two healthy children. Together, we have a beautiful home. We have good friends and a good community through our church. So, I may not be confident, beautiful, fit, and accomplished by age 30, but I do have people who love me. I hope that someday I can look back on this article and say that I’m confident in who I am.
