When I began brainstorming ideas for what to write about for my piece, life was quiet, good, and relatively drama-free. My husband and I had just taken an adults-only trip for his 40th Birthday. We were in an amazing place and really got to enjoy each other and some one-on-one time. We now consider ourselves incredibly lucky that we got to take that trip because our worlds, and most importantly my stepkids’ world, were about to be turned upside down again.
I met my husband in January 2020. When the pandemic hit, we were always together at home. We couldn’t go out on dates or out and about, so we quickly settled into a routine. By September 2020, we were moving into our first home together. Life moved quickly, and we loved every minute of it. At the end of 2020, without a formal custody arrangement, the children suddenly went missing from a preplanned holiday with their dad. We later found out that their mother had been admitted for two 72-hour holds at a mental health facility. The kids were sent to stay with another family member rather than their dad. This mental health crisis sparked a cycle that occurs every three years. I’d be lying if I said I hadn’t been holding my breath and attempting to mentally prepare for this current round for the last three years. Unfortunately, this cycle runs like clockwork, and it showed up right on time.
During the first mental health episode at the end of 2020, I don’t think my husband, let alone myself, really realized what had been happening. Time with the kids was limited. They were young and not involved in activities, so there was no seeing each other at events. Our oldest was doing school online due to the pandemic. There was nothing to raise red flags. An inpatient stay was a blip on the radar and was easily dismissed as a one-off event, and with the right help, wouldn’t happen again. It did, however, trigger a formal custody schedule.
By the end of 2023, some behaviors seemed “off”. There was concern over routines and stability now that the tiniest human was in Kindergarten. Our 6th grader was having a slam dunk of a year, but would say things that we started to question. By the time we investigated attendance records and saw what was really happening, it was too late to shield the kids from everything going on around them. Since 2023, there have been not one, but two Emergency Custody Modifications, including one this month, three years later.
The way we have had to explain things to the kids over the years has changed. How do you explain what mental health is to a 5- and 11-year-old? During the 2023 incident, we didn’t really explain what mental health is, but instead talked about how someone can be sick and you may not see it. During this cycle, which is worse than the last, we were again faced with how to explain this situation to a now 14- and 8-year-old. Our 14-year-old knew exactly what was going on. Our 8-year-old could sense something was off and seemed to be distancing herself from one parent while clinging to the other. Sometimes it’s impossible not to involve police agencies and DCS when things are really bad. So out of concern for safety, these organizations get involved. But then here we are, exposing the kids to DCS interviews and flashing lights.
We are constantly handed an impossible situation to navigate. The stress of having to document every single thing, make each other aware of every interaction that doesn’t seem quite right, and somehow shelter the kids from it is nearly impossible. The financial burden is so frustrating. The amount of money spent on emergency custody could have paid for a year of college, minimum, probably more. The immediate changes to work schedules to now be able to handle every single activity and event make me thankful my job is so flexible and fully understands our situation. Our lives immediately stop so we can pick up the pieces left behind by mental illness. If the relationship my husband and I have wasn’t strong, I don’t know how we would ever survive the stress and mental toll it takes, let alone multiple times. In all of the changes and ups and downs, I hope the kids look at us as a place of consistency, guidance, and calm. We can’t shelter them completely, but I hope when they are older, they look back and see that we tried as hard as we could to see them from seeing their parent in a negative light.
There is no guidebook to coparenting with someone with mental illness. There is no bank account with unlimited funds we can pull from every time this happens. Attorneys aren’t cheap, and they’re necessary to create meaningful change in the right direction. You cannot force someone to address their mental health. You can’t make them understand that their children shouldn’t see them in this state. Regardless of what you do, you’re the villain in their story.
