Nothing is more precious to me than my kids. I’m sure many of you feel the same way. One uncomfortable truth about my kids growing up is that their world centers less and less around me. My influence seems to be waning at the very point in their life when I feel like the stakes are highest. While it can be really hard to reconcile this with the young toddler who once thought I hung the moon, the cold, hard truth is that as our children grow, naturally, they will slowly begin to pull away from us. All kids are designed to do this- to discover their own sense of self and who they are meant to be. I find that as my kids grow, it is vital that I embrace the role of other adults in their lives.
Embracing the role of other adults in their lives is not always natural for us as parents. We are sometimes skeptical about allowing other adults to take up space and influence in our kid’s universe. But the truth of the matter is that they will look for relationships with other adults whether we want them to or not. They will gravitate to adults who can help them in ways that we cannot. They will seek out the advice and experience of other adults because it is natural for them to do so. Fighting against this will cost you in some way, as will your relationship with your child.
I have read a lot of books on parenting. I have also spent almost my entire adult life working with teenagers. I know this is all-natural and important. Yet, it’s harder when it’s my own child. What is vital, though, is that our teens see us embracing the role of other adults in their lives. Teens respect us more as parents when we don’t see their relationships with other adults threatening our relationship with them. If you find yourself wondering why this is so important as you see them embracing the role of other adults in their lives, I want to offer you this perspective.
Teens will often be more willing to take advice from other adults in their lives than their own parents because a big part of being a teenager is differentiating yourself from your parents. Some of the experts I rely on most in guiding my parenting assure me this is normal and needed for children to develop their own sense of self. In the past few years, I have become so thankful for the role other adults are playing in the life of my own teen. By embracing the role of other adults, I have found partners who can often provide guidance and perspective that may not be well received by me. For example, telling my own child the importance of grades to her future ambitions is not as well received as hearing that same guidance from a trusted adult who works in that field. That same important advice from embracing the role of other adults has the same message but a different impact.
As mental health concerns continue to be a top worry for many parents, Dr. Lisa Damour (my go to expert on teenagers) is very clear in this: “When it comes to adolescent mental health, the most powerful force is strong relationships with caring adults”. She emphasizes the important role of coaches, teachers, and other adults who interact with our children in helping them develop and handle the mental load of adolescence. Jenna Kruse, another local mom and parenting writer and expert, shared a talk with my MOMs Next group a few years ago that included this research from Springtide. She shared, “Just having one trusted adult in a teen’s life dramatically decreases a teen’s sense of loneliness and isolation. They found a direct correlation between the number of trusted adults in a young person’s life and that young person’s sense of meaning and purpose.” While math is not my strongest subject, I can recognize that even with two caring parents, my children benefit from embracing the role of other adults in their lives.
While every parenting phase has its challenges, embracing the role of other adults in the lives of my children, while not easy, has been worth it.
