Sometimes self-care sucks.
Back in 2010, my TMJ joint started deteriorating. I noticed it only because my bite was getting weird, and it was hard to eat a sandwich. Through a series of X-rays and MRIs, it became clear that my condyle joint was disintegrating, and my doctor recommended braces and reconstructive jaw surgery.
At the time, I didn’t follow up. I was about to get married and didn’t want to be wearing braces in my wedding photos. Besides, I wasn’t in much pain. Why torture myself with expensive and painful medical procedures if it wasn’t really necessary?
Fast forward to 2023, and my dentist began to insist this was a problem I could no longer ignore. The frequency and intensity of pain were increasing. I developed sleep apnea because my jaw was sliding into my airway. And my messed-up bite was causing gum recession, cavities, and wear and tear on my teeth. Thus began several years of exhausting, bureaucratic, time-consuming, sometimes painful self-care, which I am still in the middle of.
Before I can have jaw surgery, I have to wear braces to start moving my teeth into the position they’ll need to be in post-surgery. Honestly, I’ve been dreading the braces more than the operation, even though I know that’s kind of dumb. Last month, I finally got my adult braces. I know that in the grand scheme of things, braces are a small inconvenience, and I can’t say enough how grateful I am that my health issues are not life-threatening. But if you’ll allow me to whine and vent for a moment, I hate it so much. I hate the pain, the food restrictions, the cost, and–though I hate to admit it–the change in my physical appearance. I know this is self-care, but this kind of self-care sucks.
If we listen to the story sold to us by social media influencers and even old-school women’s magazines, then it’s easy to think that self-care is about what makes us feel good. I’ve so often defined self-care as things that bring me joy, rest, and delight. Self-care is fun. Self-care is happy. Self-care is pampering. But what if sometimes, self-care really sucks?
Self-care might look like expensive doctor’s appointments and waiting on the phone with insurance companies. Self-care might look like paying a lot of bills. Self-care might look like pelvic floor PT, skin checks, mammograms, and PAP smears. Self-care might hang over your head like a dark cloud until you finally, finally suck it up and get it taken care of.
Instead of a new foundation from Sephora, it might be about getting a mole removed.
Instead of a long bubble bath, it might be a walk around the neighborhood in less-than-ideal weather.
Instead of filling your Amazon cart, it might be a debt pay-off plan.
Instead of eating the entire bag of Nerd Gummy Clusters, it’s following the orthodontist’s rules about chewy food.
Instead of cuddling up with a good book, it’s patiently navigating America’s healthcare nightmare.
I have friends for whom self-care at different times has been divorce, or cancer treatment, or moving to a new home. In my case, self-care has been daily phone calls to the surgeon’s office until they finally submit surgery for approval. It’s battling with the health insurance about why my procedure is, in fact, medically necessary. It’s wearing my CPAP machine every night despite how much I hate it. It’s three gum surgeries, bone scans, and adult braces.
This kind of self-care sucks, but it’s the kind of self-care my life requires right now. It’s the kind of self-care my body needs and deserves. It’s the kind of self-care that causes pain and inconvenience on a daily basis and yet will help me stay healthy and well for decades to come. When we spend so much of our time and energy caring for others, it can be easy to ignore our own needs. For me, this has been especially true because taking care of those needs has been painful, time-consuming, expensive, and stressful. But I want to be whole and healthy and present for my children long into the future. I want to fight hard against social and political narratives about how women should martyr ourselves in the pursuit of others’ well-being. And yes, one day, I’m sure I’ll be grateful for a well-functioning jaw.
But in the meantime, self-care kind of sucks.
