The Conundrum Of Motherhood

Of all the adventures I’ve been on in my life, motherhood has to be the wildest one of them all. One minute, you’re so utterly in love with every tiny inch of their faces, unable to get enough of them. And yet, in the very next breath, you just need one minute of alone time to get your thoughts together and wish that these little people would just stop touching you. This is the conundrum of motherhood.

The conundrum of motherhood is the struggle to balance the needs of your child with your own needs. It is a constant battle between wanting to be the best mother you can be and wanting to have a life of your own. It is a feeling of guilt and resentment, of love and frustration. It is the feeling of being pulled in two different directions and never being able to do enough. Motherhood is a beautiful thing, but it is also exhausting, both mentally and emotionally. Most mothers are “on call” every minute of every day. Moms are usually the default parent. They are the ones that hold it all together for everybody. Motherhood is a journey full of ups and downs, and there is no right or wrong way to do it.

This conundrum smacked me square in the face this year when school started back up. Every year for the last five years, I was the one who got up, got ready for work, and then got both kids ready to get out the door. It was my morning routine to get the kids dropped off at school due to my husband’s early schedule. It was a non-negotiable since he had to be at work before their school even opened. But sometimes, that morning routine was enough to put me over the edge before I even stepped foot into work that day. Fighting, screaming, wanting to change outfits as we walked out the door, not wanting what they packed for lunch, tantrums for a variety of other things—you name it, those two tiny people had the ability to dictate how my morning would go. I looked forward to the ten-minute drive of silence in the backseat and putting on whatever music I wanted to play.

Fast forward to the first day of school this year…my husband was able to quit his day job to build his own personal business, which was a very exciting transition for all of us. This also meant that the morning routine shifted from my plate to my husband’s. Inside, I was bursting with excitement that one major responsibility was being removed from my “mom duties.” Especially since I knew how much stress it added to my mornings and could often dictate my mood for the day. About a week into school, I realized that I was actually missing the mornings with my kids—not the fighting or the ridiculousness, but just seeing them and being a part of their mornings before they headed off to school. Some days, I am leaving a dark house with no one awake but the dogs. My heart is being tugged in two different directions.

This is the conundrum of motherhood.