The kids had been counting down to summer break for weeks. Every morning at breakfast, our 2nd grader would tell me how many days of school they had left. We have a summer vacation planned, and she has signed up for three different sports camps through our high school. Summer break couldn’t get here fast enough so they could sleep in, go to the park, snack whenever they want- and my grocery bill reflects it- and stay up later. I, however, quietly dread every school break, but especially summer.
When the kids are on breaks, the custody schedule changes. Everything goes to a 50/50 split instead of our usual 60/40ish. Instead of not seeing the kids for five overnights, it stretches to seven. School breaks change the routine and the expectations. During school, even though we don’t see the kids, I know they are getting on the bus, are at school, and hopefully doing their homework at night. During school, I get up first and get myself ready, then the kids, and go through the whole morning routine. During summer, it’s just me getting up in a quiet house and heading to work. My husband works nights, but still manages to take off almost the entire half of the summer that we have with the kids. I’m the only one getting up and heading off. There is a quietness to getting my day started and leaving for work earlier, but at the same time, there’s a higher level of anxiety that comes with not seeing the kids for a week at a time, and wondering what they are doing, and if they’re ok.
Summer break naturally brings a lack of schedule and structure. When the kids aren’t with us, are they going to bed at a reasonable time? Sleeping their day away? Are they brushing their teeth and wearing their retainers? Are they staring at screens too much? Wearing sunscreen when they go to the pool? When you add a teenager into the mix who is testing boundaries and in most situations would have some sort of consequence, how do you discipline them when they leave the next day for their other house? Is he acting this way at our house only, just to see what he can get away with here, or is he this way at both houses?
Coparenting is rarely perfect. Honestly, I’m jealous of those who can work so well together and easily make switches in schedules and do what’s best for the kids, regardless of whose day it is. For us, every break brings debates about what days we switch, what times we switch. Is every break perfectly even in the number of overnights, even with holidays in there too? What if the break is an odd number of overnights? Schedule anxiety is real, and it visits every school break. Christmas Break is still almost 6 months away, but I’ve known for 6 months that, as it sits currently, it won’t work.
From what I can see from the step-mom cheap seats, our homes don’t operate in the same way. Even in my own house, my husband and I often debate screen time, maintaining something that looks like a normal sleep schedule, and whether you really have too many trips to get a dirty soda. The school year keeps things somewhere near similar at both houses, at least with start and end times. Sports are more heavy during school with practices and games. Without those things keeping accountability, what does?
My hope is that the differences that exist between our homes, which are magnified over breaks, present themselves in ways that give the kids the ability to blend what they enjoy about each home as they get older and create their own lives. The double summer vacations, holidays, and birthday parties are one of the “benefits” of having separate homes now. The larger overall viewpoint that I hope they see is that there are multiple ways to accomplish the same things, and if it gets you to your end goal, then that’s okay.
