Pregnancy brings with it a lot of changes, which is to be expected when you’re growing a human in under 10 months. Change is simply a necessary part of the process and one that I fully prepared myself for when I became pregnant. What I was not expecting was the change that would occur in the people around me and how they would interact with me. I’m still not entirely sure why, but being pregnant tends to turn everyone within a ten-foot radius into a bumbling idiot completely void of any type of filter that would normally allow one to engage in appropriate conversation. Once pregnant, you are no longer a human being with feelings, but instead an exhibit for which any and all commentary and questions are fair game. Expecting ladies, prepare yourself for the word vomit.
In case you are unsure of what you should not say to a pregnant woman you know or see, I’ve compiled a list of things actual people have said to myself and/or close pregnant friends of mine that should be avoided whenever possible:
1. “Are you making sure to take a prenatal vitamin?” No, never heard of ’em.
2. “Are you eating healthy?” Are nachos healthy?
3. “You aren’t taking any medications, are you?” Only the dangerous ones.
4. “You haven’t felt the baby move yet? Not even a little bit?” No, but thanks for freaking me out.
5. “Oh, you’re pregnant? I thought you had just gained weight.” Wow, that’s exactly what I was hoping you’d say.
6. “You’re older child is going to hate the baby.” I’m going to hate you.
7. “Are you sure you’re not further along?” Yes, science.
8. “You’re huge!” You’re dumb!
9. “You’re so small (said with concerned look)!” You’re super helpful.
10. “Are you sure it’s not twins?” Again, science and all.
11. *Insert birth horror story here* Remember that time I didn’t ask to hear about your terrible birth experience?
12. “Are you sure you’re pregnant?” Are you sure you’re not?
13. “You need to be eating more.” You need to be shutting your mouth more.
14. “Lunch meat/sushi/red dye/high fructose corn syrup/alcohol/coffee/runny eggs/glucose drinks/plastics/pitocin/epidurals/csections are soooo bad for the baby.” So is stupidity. Please back away.
15. “You’re a lot bigger than my sister/friend/daughter/cousin.” Back at ya.
16. “It must be a girl- girls steal your beauty.” You must be bad at compliments.
17. “You can really tell you’re holding weight in your face.” You’re about to hold my hand in your face.
18. “Your baby is probably going to be tiny.” You forgot your crystal ball.
19. “Your baby is probably going to be huge, I feel sorry for you.” Nobody likes you.
20. “Where was the baby conceived?” Seriously?
21. “When was the baby conceived?” SERIOUSLY?
22. “How was the baby conceived?” YOU’RE JOKING, RIGHT?
23. “Be sure to practice your kegels!” Thank you for your concern regarding my vagina.
24. “You look really uncomfortable.” I am, thanks to this conversation.
25. “Women who take too long of a maternity leave take advantage of it and get lazy.” Sir, I highly suggest you stop speaking. Forever.
26. “You’re really filling up with milk for that baby.” You’re really inappropriate.
27. “I hope it’s a girl/boy.” Yes, I know this affects you greatly.
28. “Was it planned?” Well, this question definitely wasn’t.
29. “Ugh, kids.” Ugh, you.
Of course some of this depends on your relation to the pregnant woman, as a sister or close friend can typically get away with more word vomit than Rick from accounting or some rando on the bus. Still, better safe than sorry. And if you are unsure of what you should say to a pregnant woman, I’ve compiled a short but safe list of alternatives:
1. “You look great!”
3. “I purchased a prenatal massage for you!”
If that’s too difficult for you, you need only remember this one simple piece of advice: Silence is golden.