I stood stunned momentarily when my five-year-old calmly told me, “Mama, I said no, I do not consent. That means it is NOT ok for you to keep trying.” What led to this emphatic statement? I asked for a kiss. He said no. I said okay and added, “That’s too bad. I really wanted one.” I said this without thinking, not realizing I was applying pressure to change his mind. My jaw dropped for a moment at his statement, and I paused. I felt a little sad for a second. Then, I was flooded with pride. We had worked for a long time on consent and boundaries, but you never really know if your children will stand up for themselves when they feel the need. At that moment, I realized the lessons we had worked so hard on were working. All children should learn the power of consent and get a chance to practice not consenting. There are many ways to help your young children develop comfort with the concept of consent. Here are some tips to get you started:
Tip #1: Realize consent doesn’t only apply to sexual situations.
It applies to all kinds of interactions with others, both in how they’re allowed to act toward you physically and emotionally. Learning to voice your wants and desires, as well as to voice your lack of consent in various situations, is crucial to developing healthy relationships of all kinds as they grow.
Tip #2: Playing consent games.
Our favorite game to practice consent is tickling. My kids absolutely love telling me where they want me to tickle them. Then, I tickle for a few moments before pausing to ask if I should keep going. When they say yes, I tickle a few more moments before checking in again. Bonus: This lets them practice voicing their desires as well as their consent. Be sure to also practice consent with their favorite toys as the characters involved—this is a surefire way to make things fun.
Tip #3: Practice saying “I do not consent!”
Practice it until it rolls off their tongues. Role play scenarios like you asking them for a hug, they say no, and you try to convince them. Make it silly. Praise them every time they stand up to you. Your kids will love getting to practice consent by telling you no.
Tip #4: Reconsider rules as needed.
Step back and consider whether you need to keep a specific rule or whether you can negotiate to adjust it at their request. I don’t consider this giving in or letting my kids be the boss. I consider it practice at voicing their wants and needs and vocalizing when something feels wrong to them. I am always careful to let them know I am reconsidering, then let them know why I did or didn’t change my mind. They know this is a thoughtful approach, not changing my rules on a whim due to whining.
Tip #5: Practice with family and friends.
Sometimes, others in their life may react negatively in the moment to being told no to hugs and kisses. But if you enlist these other adults into games where you practice consent, then you can change how they perceive this. This enlists the other adults as partners with you and the kids in this concept. Bonus – it lets your kids practice with other adults, not just their parents, further improving their comfort with consenting and not consenting over time.
Tip #6: Age-appropriate anatomic explanations.
Consent doesn’t only apply to body parts and the rules surrounding them. But it is still a big piece of the puzzle. I find that kids who have matter-of-fact education about their body, including their genitalia, are better prepared to use their words around consent in this area if the need arises.
Tip #7: Read books with your children.
Any children’s book can be used to teach consent. If one character takes the other one’s toy, you can ask your kids how they think the child felt about it and whether they consented to that action or not. Many books for various ages also address the topic of consent more directly. Books are always my go-to resource for teaching my children various social-emotional concepts.
Tip #8: Find resources to help you learn.
Consent conversations have come a long way since I was taught as a kid that “No means no.” Now, discussing important topics such as enthusiastic consent is more mainstream, not just lack of consent. At first, these topics may feel unfamiliar or even uncomfortable. Reading books and articles geared toward parents on these topics can help increase your comfort level with these conversations as your kids get older.
Conversations about consent never end in parenting. As my children age, these conversations take on more nuance and are applied in more varied situations. But one thing never changes – the more we talk about and practice consent with our children, the better they will be at voicing their boundaries.
