Please raise your hand if watching TikTok videos helped you realize that there might be something a little funky going on with your brain. I know it sounds incredibly cliche at the moment, but spending time on that app is what helped me realize so many things about myself.
The biggest revelation was finding out that I probably have ADHD. ADHD, or attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder, can manifest in many ways. As I learned, those assigned female at birth have symptoms that differ significantly from those assigned male at birth. Those assigned male were more likely to be diagnosed at a young age because their symptoms typically caused disruptions at school or their behavior was deemed unacceptable, like acting out or not being able to sit still.
Again, thanks to society learning more and more about ADHD symptoms, more adults are finding themselves wondering whether this condition might explain the struggles they’ve faced in their lives. This certainly was the case for me. I needed to do something when I realized that I was having such a hard time simply initiating tasks that needed to get done (executive functioning), and this was exacerbating my already high anxiety while at the same time causing me to feel so depressed because I wasn’t ‘good enough’ for my family, friends, or coworkers.
I was struggling so heavily with my time management, fumbling through the best ways to stay organized, and having issues with goal setting. I also never seemed to be able just to relax or settle. I felt like I constantly needed to be on the go. Whether it be actively leaving my house or getting things done, I could never just sit back and take a moment for myself. If I did try to take a breather, I’d immediately start to feel guilty thinking about the backlog of chores, tasks, or work items that I could be doing.
My relationship with my husband was off kilter because I didn’t want to spend quality time together as I felt I needed to accomplish other tasks. Or I’d get overly emotional when he’d offer to help with my tasks so I could take a moment to relax, feeling that he was implying I couldn’t do things on my own; therefore, he needed to step in because I was failing.
I had issues with my impulsivity. I’d get an idea and immediately fixate on it. It wouldn’t matter that I maybe didn’t have enough time in the day to do my idea, or if we didn’t have the finances, if I didn’t get to do or purchase my idea, I’d break down or succumb to anger. I was having so many issues with finishing tasks because I’d keep jumping from one thing to another.
One day, I realized that I needed to make a change when I was stuck in bed with the lights off, crying, and feeling like an absolutely horrible mother, partner, and employee. It was bad enough that I had to take some drastic steps.
After speaking with my husband and determining if we could financially swing it, I approached my employer with a decision to put in my notice. After discussing this further, the decision was made that I would take an unpaid leave with the option to return either full-time or part-time. I won’t go into further details about what occurred with my employer as I have another blog post you can read if you’d like that depicts what happened there.
Rather than wait to speak to my primary care doctor, I began searching for a credible specialist’s office that could conduct a formal ADHD evaluation. It’s important to note that they did need a referral from my primary care doctor based on my insurance. My recommendation from that experience is first to contact your insurance provider and ask what your plan requirements are. This didn’t really cause any issues for me; it just meant that I did this a little backward, and I couldn’t schedule the assessment until my primary care doctor submitted the referral.
The evaluation was pretty interesting. I didn’t realize that everything from when I arrived, my demeanor, and my hygiene would be a part of the assessment. (Thankfully, I showered that day!) We discussed my family’s medical history and my history with depression, anxiety, and other medical diagnosis. When scheduling my appointment, they let me know that I could spend three to five hours depending upon the amount and type of behavior and psychological tests I would need to take. I think I spent four total hours there between the initial discussion with the psychiatrist and then conducting the exams. Once I was done, they told me it would take two weeks for my results.
Those two weeks felt like they took years. My phone finally rang early Friday morning, and I immediately grabbed a notebook to jot down notes. Surprise surprise! I was diagnosed with ADHD. According to my assessments, I had issues with my executive functioning, attention, and verbal fluency, which is the ease with which I can produce words. That’s awkward, considering I thoroughly enjoy writing and creating policies, but it makes sense. Sometimes, I cannot for the life of me remember synonyms or have to spend time staring off into space to find the right word.
I appreciated getting this assessment because they also made some recommendations about the next steps that I could take. One of their suggestions was that I might benefit from taking medication to help with my ADHD symptoms. Now, this may not be the best course of action for everyone. At the time of my assessment, there was a massive issue with medications such as Adderall being in short supply. However, in speaking with my doctor, we determined that a stimulant like Adderall would probably worsen my anxiety. We opted for a non-stimulant called Qelbree.
It’s been eight months since I’ve gone through my assessment and started taking medication for my ADHD. While I’ve seen significant improvement regarding the ‘noise’ that goes on in my mind, I still struggle with some of the other symptoms. Hyperfixation has become a common term in my house, and my partner has helped me recognize when I’m going down the rabbit hole.
My need to jump from task to task is another symptom that I’m always actively working through. If my environment is nice and calm and I set a visual timer for myself, I can get through whatever task I’ve assigned myself (like finishing a blog post and submitting it on time). But let’s be honest, as a mom to two young girls who always seem underfoot or need something from me, that’s not always an option. I’ve learned to talk nicer to myself.
I’ve also started looking into websites that have newsletters where tips and tricks to manage ADHD are included. Some great TikTok accounts have phenomenal information, but I have to limit how much time I spend there because I’ll start off with ADHD accounts and then migrate my way to cat videos or ghost stories.
I remind myself that my brain is slightly different, and it’s okay to be interrupted. Refocusing might take me a minute longer than others, but it’s okay. This is something that I can now give myself grace for, and I intend to advocate for my kids, who will more than likely also be diagnosed with ADHD as it is hereditary. We’ll work together to modify our lifestyle so that we can work with our diagnosis rather than against it.
