Life can throw a lot at all of us, right? Surely everyone feels the toll of juggling so many different things over time: a healthy mix of some light, some heavy, and some super “whoa” moments, of course, where we remind ourselves that the only way out is through, yet we feel like we are gasping for air as we cling to this merry-go-round of life. Motherhood is one of those experiences that will never leave us, ever; it is an incredible privilege we most certainly cherish; yet, it can also be downright exhausting. Sometimes even moms themselves do not always realize the true mental load they carry every day and need a reminder about how amazing they are, but just as importantly, a reminder about why they may be so tired, and that they are not acting lazy, letting things slip, or settling for mediocrity. Undoubtedly, the mental load of motherhood can feel vast, taxing, and immense; the bottom line is moms don’t always give themselves credit for all they do and instead are always thinking, thinking, thinking…
Thinking about helping their kids process big feelings and emotions. Thinking about homework folders. School supplies. Teacher e-mails. Church events. Field trip permission slips. Volunteering. Laundry. Staying on top of household supplies. The upcoming holiday plans. More laundry. Lunches. Snacks. Dinners. Practices. Clothing. Shoes. Block scheduling: which day is it, Gray or Maroon? Dentist appointments. Clean sports uniforms. Work meetings. Deadlines. Scheduling. The weather: Is it time to start wearing jackets, or do we still need more sunscreen? What was that little rash on the back of his leg? Did I make the doctor’s appointment for when he gets off the bus, or do I need to go to school early to pick him up from the car rider line and make it to the appointment on time? More snacks. Morning rush and routines. After-school snacks. After-school fatigue. Homework. Projects. Tests. Traffic with dreaded construction. Quizzes. Checking the calendar. Setting up playdates. Booking pet grooming and vaccination appointments. Finding missing items. Ordering more house supplies. Coordinating vacations. Booking hotels. Wait, are we almost out of toilet paper?? Planning family activities. When did he outgrow his socks? Making sure to nurture their own friendships, family ties, and social connections. Managing mom guilt. Why did I lose my cool so quickly? Did we do enough fun activities this summer? Keeping track of kid friendships and school dynamics. Are the kids eating enough protein? Enough fiber? Did they get enough sleep? Remembering birthdays. Buying presents for birthdays and holidays (and when someone says, “Don’t stress about the holidays; it will all get done somehow” and you know full well you are the “somehow” lol). Being the main, absolute sounding board and safe place for your family, the regulator of emotions: MOM.
It seems like for many moms, their brain never shuts off; they are constantly thinking about what needs to happen next as they are trying to keep up with the kids, the house, work, their self-care, and anything and everything else that falls in between. And believe me, so much falls in between that needs to get done, yet it can be challenging at times. This is why you are drained, mamas. Moms are enduring and surviving each day while also being on the front line, mentally preparing everyone for tomorrow and the days, weeks, and months ahead. You make decisions all day, every day, and over time, a mom’s mental load builds and builds. You wouldn’t change being a mom for anything, but something inside you says, “This is a lot. Like, a lot.” Because it is a lot. You have a right to be tired or to crave help or to desperately long for a break. In fact, this holiday season, give yourself the gift of grace, of releasing the need for perfection and allowing yourself to gently and gratefully lean into the good, the bad, and the ugly of motherhood. Then repeat forever. Here are some key takeaways to help you navigate life amidst the increasing, incessant mental load of motherhood:
Try to remove the “If I don’t think about it, who will?” feeling.
The more pressure you can take off of yourself, the better. Not everything has to fall on you, even though at times you have convinced yourself it does. When you release the need to have control over every little thing, while recognizing what you do have control over, your outlook can improve, and things might not feel as heavy. Journaling can also help you have a safe platform for your thoughts and feelings; you can recognize what things perhaps need to be prioritized vs. what needs to be put on the back burner…or what should be completely dismissed for the sake of your time as well as your mental health.
Delegate whenever possible.
Honest conversations with your spouse/partner, as well as with your kiddos, can pay great dividends when thinking about the goal of delegating or redistributing some of the daily duties and responsibilities, whether it’s physical, mental, or emotional. What can your spouse/partner do to help more around the house, or perhaps with the emotional needs of the kids? It is also great to recognize what your kids can help out with depending on their particular age. You may be like me, where you are so used to doing everything for everyone because you enjoy it and that’s just what you do, but now your kiddos are old enough to get their own snacks or refill their ice water or put away their laundry, so you can involve them more and take a little bit off of your plate. Also, a great holiday dinner conversation could be to brainstorm fun ways everyone can take part in ownership of the house, the family, the pets, daily responsibilities, etc. Get creative! At the very least, in your moment of honesty and family togetherness, the conversation sparks awareness, and that can trigger positive changes down the road.
Remind yourself…you are not lazy.
You don’t need to “pile on” yourself or create unnecessary mom guilt or fight feelings of being lazy; you indeed need to recognize you are actually mentally exhausted from not being lazy. On a daily basis, you keep thinking about everything you need to do as you are doing all the things. Do you see? I sure hope so. Hopefully you also see why you might experience headaches or a lack of energy or the dreaded brain fog; you are a human, not a robot. Your brain has not stopped working each and every day; in fact, it has been in overload for so long, remembering, problem-solving, anticipating, contemplating, thinking, thinking, thinking, all while ping-ponging between tasks. Again, you are not tired for zero reasons. You are amazing, but you were not designed to do it all. Give yourself grace, and give yourself the physical breaks and mental breaks as you need them.
Using your phone as a positive tool.
If a mom is on her phone, do not assume she is just scrolling on social media or doing nothing. Often, people, especially us mamas, can better manage our schedule, work, families, and more from our phone. Everything can be overdone, including time with devices, yet utilizing the phone as a quick, healthy means to pay bills, create lists, track events, order the new shoes or supplies or other items that always seem to pop up, check the patient portal to confirm an appointment or renew a prescription, check the bank account, register for a sport, can prove so helpful. That’s right, mamas; we are working smarter, not harder, to get all the things done on our phone, as quickly as we can!
When in doubt or despair, remember what the flight attendants always say…
“Put your oxygen mask on first” is often what we hear before a flight takes off; in other words, you will be of no help to others if you do not first ensure you are ok. You matter; self-care is not selfish…that longstanding cliché is still true to this day. I also want to throw out the caring reminder that what you are not changing, you are choosing. It’s ok—more than ok—to revamp your routine as often as you need to, to revisit how things have been done and evaluate if they could be done better and with more help, and to embrace that you are doing your best. If you understand there are seasons of this great journey of motherhood—some busier than others—and you choose to be your own fan (instead of allowing negativity to take over), you will be doing yourself a huge favor. Be your own “hype girl,” but know all the other moms around you see you, too, and are cheering you on, always.
