What I wish most people would insert in their research regarding the stages of grief is the ugliness to the path of letting go. Many months later beyond separation, I feel my grip is finally starting to loosen. But what an emotional roller coaster it has been finalizing the gruesome details on the road to saying goodbye to the picture of the life you once clung so tightly to your heart. I consider myself a strong, resilient individual. So in my stages of denial, anger, and bargaining, I included justification. There was normalization to my frequent emotional outbursts and constant venting to anyone with an ear to hear. I spent my meditation moments jotting down 1001 reasons to be and stay angry and how to get even. I poured venom into my children in a quest to bribe them into being on my side. I justified the extra calories, lack of exercise, and poor work ethic by blaming it on my broken heart.
After all, my body, mind, and spirit were whole before this next round of a failed marriage. What is wrong with these men? They take advantage of my beauty, my kindness, and most of all, they hurt my children on their way out the door. I often subconsciously ignore the reality that there were no stellar performers during our first acquaintance. But a broken spirit rooted in previous trauma will attract the likeness of such.
Move me now to the stage of acceptance. The final stage of grief. The pain still is heavily embedded into my heart, but the desire to grow, self–reflect, and heal are much greater than the need to prove a point. It is time to seek the support needed to move from what is wrong with them, to “what happened to me”? Is emotional abuse something to be normalized in the name of love? What‘s love got to do with it right?? I’ve never asked myself if this love pushing me to my destiny, or barricading me in my pain? With this knowledge and newfound hope through faith, I take a step forward into normalizing my mental health and committing to the journey of healing, and discontinuing the cycle of trauma in my family. I am worth it. My babies are worth it. The questions now become, where do I begin?
I find that the answer lies within the question. I just begin. I begin reading. I normalize my mental health and seek a therapist to walk this long road with me. I obtained a Divorce Coach. She is phenomenal. I did not know such support existed. But what I do know is that when you take a bold step to change a trajectory, the universe opens up its resources for your consumption. I read a lot. I meditate a lot. And equally, as important, I talk less and listen more. I surround myself with women that have persevered in various capacities and encourage my pursuit of becoming whole. Nights are hard and many days are lonely. I remember my truths in these moments. Being in a relationship that moves you to question your sanity, your purpose, and your worth is not the example I want to provide to my daughter. It is true that hurt people, hurt people. We bleed on those who never cut us. We attract this negative energy and seek to minimize our own hurt by becoming hyper-vigilant about fixing the hurt of others. I can continue to ride this roller coaster of self–sabotaging or I can find the nearest exit and abort the mission.