I am the primary caretaker. I spend most of the time with him, yet when his dad gets home, he tells me to go away. I’m not the favorite parent, and sometimes it hurts. I don’t know how we got here. I was always big on including dad in everything. When my husband returned to work, I always talked about dad and explained to my then-baby where dad was and what he was doing. I was happy when he called him Dada before he called me Mama, but now I wonder if I’m doing something wrong to be in second place all the time.
Dad has always been very involved in the parenting responsibilities. In the newborn stage, he would do the diaper changes, he would rock the baby back to sleep while I pumped milk, and he would hold the baby in the carrier before I could, since I had a C-section. He also fed the bottle while we had to supplement with formula. He was the one doing bedtime every day because I was in charge of the naps, but now that he dropped the nap, I’ve also been trying to do bedtime so he knows it doesn’t always have to be dad. We try to balance the parent duties, but maybe I relented more than I should.
Another thing in my mind is that maybe my expectations for a three-year-old are very high. I’ve been having trouble setting boundaries and getting him to do things like brushing his teeth, washing his hands, and cutting his nails. I feel guilty because sometimes I lose my patience and get mad at him, but he is just a three-year-old learning about the world and his role in it. I know it’s me who has to do the work. I need to be more patient, I need to set the right expectations for a three-year-old, even if sometimes it means I will have to struggle a little bit, I need to be more fun.
I also feel guilty because sometimes I just focus on surviving the day until 5 pm when dad gets back from work. I think my son can tell I’m tired and stressed. Some days, he asks me when his dad is going to come back every other minute of the day, and sometimes that offends me. Once dad gets home he is mostly fun. He is also better at setting rules and boundaries while being flexible enough to accommodate a three-year-old’s needs. I need to go with the flow more.
I also wonder, since I’m with him most of the day, maybe he knows I’ll be there for him no matter what. There are things that tell me he likes me too, haha. For example, he prefers to speak Spanish rather than English, and I’m the Spanish speaker at home. He is also very interested in showing dada the games he and I have been playing during the day. My husband also is always telling me that when they are alone, he mentions me all the time and wants to show me what they’ve been doing.
It would be hypocritical of me if I didn’t mention that sometimes I like being second. He prefers to get his diaper changed by his dad. If he wakes up at night, he usually calls for his dad, and on the weekends, I get some time for myself because he usually wants to play with his dad rather than me. But I can’t help but feel hurt when he kicks me out of the room when I try to participate in their games. I want him to learn how to ask for what he wants and doesn’t want; he needs to be able to advocate for himself, but I think we need to work on learning to ask nicely, because sometimes what hurts is how he delivers it.
I thought that because I was having a boy, I was going to get a mama’s boy, but that’s not really the case, and I keep telling myself that’s okay.
