A couple of years ago as I entered my midlife season, I found myself antsy. I had been staying home with my three kids (ages 7, 5, and 2 at the time) since my oldest was born and found myself craving something different. Formerly a teacher, I knew I wasn’t interested in going back to the classroom, but wasn’t sure exactly where to start. I applied for a remote job reading college admissions essays, and after dusting off my resume and interviewing, I got the job and started.
Long story short, I lasted six weeks. While the job was technically only fifteen hours a week, it was taking me much longer to fairly assess the essays and give each prospective student the chance they deserved. I was spending evenings and weekends working, and I was stressed during all the hours in between about finding time to finish. Additionally, the work was highly focused/technical, and because it was all remote, I didn’t have much interaction with others on the team. Unsurprisingly, this wasn’t an ideal work situation for an extrovert. My pride had me agonizing over quitting, but when I did, the relief was immense and immediate.
I share all of this to say that when I got the job, I was so excited. I fully believed that this would be the start of my second career. Maybe reading college essays part time would lead to an eventual higher education position, and my life would be all figured out–look at me go! As I’ve reflected back on the last couple of years, I’ve realized how desperate I was to continue living my life in a linear fashion. For the first thirty years, I followed a pre-determined life path–graduate high school, go to college, get a job, get married, have kids, etc. While I do not regret a single one of these decisions, I don’t know that I would classify myself as an active participant in them. I’m embarrassed to admit how few times I’ve stopped to ask myself, “What do you want?” and how hard that question is for me to answer.
I heard someone say on a podcast recently that our lives should look like squiggly lines. This resonated deeply with me as I find myself feeling very squiggly these days. I’m about to send my oldest off to kindergarten, and my days will no longer be defined by nap schedules, playdates, park trips, etc. This both terrifies and delights me. I’m signing up to take a beginner tennis class. I’ve taken an active role in the PTO. I’m shuttling kids to appointments, practices, and finding some joy in making new recipes that my kids will never touch. I’m also asking some big questions about who I am, what I believe, and how I want to show up in the world. This also terrifies and delights me! I’m in therapy, and I’m incredibly grateful for my sisters, my friends, and my husband who keep me grounded.
I don’t regret taking the job two years ago. It gave me a boost of confidence that I needed, and it also humbled me when I had to admit that I couldn’t do it all. Most importantly, it gave me a newfound appreciation for staying home, which let me savor my kids and our days in a way I hadn’t been able to before. My life is all kinds of squiggly these days, and as it turns out, I’m quite happy about it.
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