It’s 6:00 AM, and I haven’t even hit my first coffee reheat when tiny sniffles precede footsteps tip-tapping down the stairs. “Hmmm… She’s up early today. Maybe a bad dream?” I set my coffee on the counter and outstretch my arms toward a bedheaded mini-me, eager to allay her fears. “What’s wrong, Lovey?” “She forgot, Mommy. The Tooth Fairy forgot… again.” Insert forehead slap. Cue the stomach monkeys. Summon the guilt. I am the worst. I immediately engage in damage control, “Oh, Honey, I’m sure she didn’t forget. Sometimes she gets so busy she simply cannot keep up. Maybe she will make an emergency flight during the day today to make up for it!”
I wish this were the first time that darn fairy dropped the ball, but it isn’t. In any other universe, that loser would be fired. She’s incessantly late; she’s ill-prepared, out of cash on the regular, and her unreliability is soul-crushing. HR has its hands full with this forgetful fairy. The Easter Bunny, Santa Claus, and even that sneaky leprechaun never have problems meeting deadlines despite their heavy workloads. But, the Tooth Fairy? Well, she sucks.
I’m no CFO (Chief Fairy Officer), but in my humble opinion, the whole system needs a complete overhaul. Unlike every other holiday, tooth loss is mostly unpredictable. And, for busy and distracted fairies, erratic tooth-loss schedules often spell disaster. Setting fairy phone alarms? She forgets. Keeping a backup stash of trinkets to use in lieu of cash? It doesn’t help if she can’t remember to set the alarm. Excuses? She has dozens. This.Has.To.Change! And suddenly… it does! Last week, just when I thought the flighty fairy couldn’t get any worse, she did something completely unexpected and extraordinary. Aware of her lack-luster track record, she showed ingenious proactivity by delivering this letter on the evening of a child tooth loss:
Hauser Girls
123 Not My Real Address Drive
Westfield, IN 46074
Upstairs Loft Bedroom
Tooth Fairy Amazon Exchange Program
30th May 2021
With a growing population of families going cashless, and in an effort to encourage Tooth Fairy-to-Family health protocols during the global pandemic, the Tooth Fairy Amazon Exchange Program allows children, upon request, to go cashless in the event of a tooth loss. Once initiated, this program is a permanent replacement for the former Cash-Under-The-Pillow system. Upon transfer to the Tooth Fairy Amazon Exchange Program, children who experience tooth loss will receive a small token of appreciation via Amazon delivery within one week. Should a child wish to return to the cash system, preferences can be reversed by writing directly to the Tooth Fairy Academy of Gifting. All program changes will be valid seven to ten fairy-flying nights within receipt of said written request.
By signing below, the participant(s) agree to:
1. Place all his/her future tooth losses in a sealed envelope and mail to the address below:
Tooth Fairy Academy of Gifting
Attention: Tooth Fairy Amazon Exchange Program
FarFarAway, Universe
2. Receive one small token via Amazon in the event of tooth loss in lieu of cash-under-the-pillow.
3. Patiently wait for Amazon delivery. Under the Tooth Fairy Amazon Exchange Program, all gifting occurs on a delayed schedule, and the recipient agrees to forgo the instant gratification received under the cash system.
4. Make no gift requests via the Tooth Fairy Amazon Exchange Program. All gifting is under the discretion of the Tooth Fairy Academy of Gifting.
5. Upon initiation of this program, recipients waive all rights to prior cash gifts that were missed, lost, or taken by inquisitive siblings.
Signed: _______________________
… BAM! Just like that, the delinquent fairy is redeemed! With a delivery grace period, a cashless gifting system, and responsibility for tooth delivery put on the child; the exchange program could be the turnaround this fledgling fairy needs! Think your Tooth Fairy needs some help too? Click here for a printable PDF for the Tooth Fairy Academy of Gifting form letter.
