When my husband and I were discussing when to try for baby number two again, I promised I wouldn’t put too much pressure on it. My mentality was going to be if it happened, it happened. I wanted to keep it breezy, no stressing over getting pregnant again. When I made this promise, my husband gave me a look that said: “you’re a liar and you have never been breezy about anything in your life.” I should have known he was right.
Two months in, I innocently downloaded a fertility tracker app. I had used the same app shortly before I got pregnant the first time with my son. However, I got pregnant so fast that I barely used it. This time, I was only going to use it to keep track of my period and ovulation dates. Then, as time went on, I did exactly what I said I wouldn’t do. I slipped down a vortex of community posts, advice articles, and symptom tracking. I just assumed it would be easy as the first time because I was tracking it. But the more I used the app, and I wasn’t getting pregnant or staying pregnant, I got frustrated with my uterus. Why isn’t it happening as quickly this time? The pressure was ON.
My problem was that I relied too heavily on the instant gratification from plugging in my symptoms and seeing a blurb about the possibility of pregnancy. It became an obsession. I opened the app every time I used my phone, which was multiple times a day. I entered tender breasts and BOOM, it said “you could be pregnant,” or cramps on my left side resulted in “it could be implantation cramping.” Against my better judgment, I ignored the voice in my head that said pregnancy and PMS symptoms are the same. I was totally pregnant. Ultimately, I had crushed hopes when my period came again and again. It was a torturous cycle that I refuse to repeat again.
Two weeks ago, I deleted the fertility tracker, and I’m glad I did. I still use a paper calendar for work and my personal life, so I’ll just be diligent about keeping track the old-fashioned way. I do have my weak moments where I really want the app back. But then I just picture my husband giving me that look and I tell myself to stay strong. And breezy.
