Content warning: This post includes discussion of suicide and may be difficult for some readers. Please take care while reading.
Please understand why I’m writing this before you read it. I’ve come to the realization that after a member of my family attempted suicide, it caused major issues in my own life. I’m not trying to gain sympathy; I’m not trying to say that I needed more attention because I absolutely did not. What I’m trying to stress to others who might find themselves in a similar situation (although I hope you never are) is that the person who attempts suicide isn’t the only one who needs help. This is a trauma that ripples across everyone it touches. I want others to understand that they need to get the whole family help so everyone can heal together.
I was a freshman in college, still living at home with my younger siblings and parents. I’ll never forget the evening that I felt my world shift. My sibling, who is only a few years younger than me, came to me and told me that she took a massive amount of pills and was waiting to ‘fall asleep.’
I felt my own heart momentarily stop, then begin to beat with an intensity I never knew. She asked me to sit with her, but I knew we needed to act. I called everyone I could think of, but no one answered. Finally, I came to my father and told him we needed to grab the youngest child and go to the ER immediately. I couldn’t tell him why, as my sister asked me to tell no one.
I sat in the back of the truck holding onto both my siblings, reminding myself to breathe, to keep it together because my sister needed me to be strong for her and not be scared. We got her to the ER, and the nurses worked on giving her charcoal. At this point, my mother finally arrived, and I had to tell her that her middle child, the one who brought so much joy into all our lives, who danced beautifully, whose laughter made everyone smile, had tried to end her life.
I finally broke down talking to her; the tears came, the fear surfaced, and she pushed past me to get to my sister. I walked outside so that the youngest sibling didn’t see me crying and I cried for a long time.
My parents did everything they needed to help my sister. They got her seen by a therapist, she went to an institute for a few weeks to help understand why she felt it necessary to take her life, she was given medication, and no one spoke about what happened in front of her. She was able to work on healing, and we all learned how to spot signs, how to try to prevent this from happening again, and how to help her work with her anxiety and emotions.
My aftermath was very different; I had to defend her at home against family who tried to speculate why she did something (quoting them): “so stupid.” I had to disparage rumors of a pregnancy, of failing school, of a boyfriend breaking her heart. The list went on and on. I had a difficult time controlling my anger, my sadness. I clung to a boyfriend who couldn’t understand what I was going through and wanted to end our relationship because I was ‘too much.’ Of course this threw me into a bigger spiral. I began fighting with my parents, began acting out, and it all culminated in a point where my parents misinterpreted a note I wrote them asking for help. There’s fault on both ends, but essentially I didn’t adequately explain what I needed, and they felt that I was trying to get attention like my sister and pretending that I was going to hurt myself. This led to the most traumatic night of my life, where I got to hear my parents talk about how I was wasting their time.
As a parent myself, I know that this time in their life was incredibly trying. They had a daughter they were trying to help get through a traumatic experience while still raising their youngest child to the best of their ability and also dealing with a young adult who didn’t know how to talk to them about her feelings. We all made mistakes.
I hope you never have to go through what my family did, but if you do, remember that everyone will need help dealing with the aftermath. It’s taken a lot of therapy for me to work through what happened that evening and to understand, from my parents’ point of view, what they were dealing with. I now do my best to remind everyone who has a family member or close friend go through a trauma to take care of themselves as well. It’s not selfish, and it doesn’t take away from what their family member or close friend went through. It is an event that is going to bring some anxiety, fear, anger, stress, and every other emotion into your life, whether you want it to or not.
I’m happy to say that my sibling is now an amazing adult who is raising the best kids an aunt could ask for! I’m so grateful that we’re on the other side of that evening and thriving, but it took a lot for us both to get here.
If you or someone you know is struggling, call or text 988 — the Suicide and Crisis Lifeline is free and available 24/7.
