I held my son for the last time nine years ago. In the fog of infant loss, other women, who also experienced the unimaginable, found me. Through their own stories and respect for mine, they gently encouraged a way forward that honored my son’s life and my experience as a mother.
They showed me that this path can acknowledge aching pain while also providing space for reverent celebration. I learned that my son’s time with me was precious. His story and his life, yet lived, can be honored. Most importantly, I learned that it is not performative to display somber joy for the life of your child – no matter how short that life was.
Celebrating while grieving the loss can feel impossible some days, but it can also be a source of tender happiness. Below are beautiful stories from mothers sharing how they express their somber joy while honoring their baby’s life. May they be a spark that ignites a way forward for any mother experiencing the unimaginable.
Honoring a Pregnancy
To honor our angel baby, we have an angel Christmas ornament. We inscribed it with the month and year of our loss. Each of our kids takes turns hanging it on the tree each year. They see it as an honor.
Kristina
After our loss, we planted a rose bush in our yard where we pass it every day to honor our baby. The yellow roses represent the November birthstone when he or she was to be born.
Alexandra
Honoring Asher
We are still in the first year after Asher’s passing. Instead of taking monthly photos like we had hoped to be doing, we light a candle on the 22nd of each month around the time he was born. We have missed a month here and there, but we refuse to allow shame to creep in. This moment is for remembering the happiness and joy we experienced with Asher.
There are many ways we have found to honor our “Lil Bean.” We both have jewelry that we wear. I love gardening and will be planting Forget-Me-Nots. My husband is a runner and has already ran in a few 5K races in our son’s honor – #GoTeamAsher. During the pregnancy, we created an instrumental playlist for Asher that we now play to comfort us and remember him.
Looking forward, we plan to have a small gathering of family and friends on his birthday. We will know this as “Asher Day.” We will have coffee cake for our “Lil Bean,” look at ultrasounds and photos, and spend time surrounded by those who have showered him and us with love.
Cassie
Honoring Willow
This October marks 10 years since our daughter, Willow, passed away. Her death has been an ongoing journey of allowing for and moving with all layers of grief. Through being with our grief, Willow has led us on a surprising journey of deep self-discovery, connecting with her spirit, and experiencing deep heartfelt joy in ways we never did before her passing.
Though Willow is no longer earthside, she is still an integral part of our family, and we feel her presence intertwined in all we do together. Our other three children, who never met Willow earthside, incorporate her spirit and presence in such playful and beautiful ways – a Willow doll that joins us in family photos, weekend bike rides, and routine play; drawings with willow trees, smiley faces, and butterflies scattered around; and frequent conversations about their sister they never met but still deeply know in their hearts. Over the years, we have also created special traditions to celebrate and honor her birthday – a community workout and fundraiser in her honor, an annual balloon release, and little traditions with our kids like dancing around the yard, sending messages into the sky on prayer paper, and lighting candles to celebrate her life.
Although Willow’s death was likely one of the most difficult experiences our family has navigated, it also cracked us open to experience her spirit and her love in such beautiful and unique ways.
By allowing ourselves to feel the depth of our grief, we now feel such an immense joy in this unique spiritual relationship with our daughter. Our perspective on the depth and mystery of life has profoundly changed because of our Willow girl.
