I’m On the Mom Struggle Bus

Struggle bus.
Struggle bus.

I’m on the mom struggle bus. I’m on the mom struggle bus and lately I feel like the darn thing won’t stop to let me off.

Its been a slow build up, but today I finally cried because of my assumed shortcomings as a mom. Whether it was working late a couple nights, taking a weekend away with my husband, or dropping my son at daycare. A lot of little things led me to a massive amount of tears and sadness this afternoon.

Getting on the bus

It started a couple weeks ago. My son began to become more and more attached to our nanny. It’s normal and I tried not to let it affect me because I love our nanny, so why shouldn’t my son?

Following that, he started “school” (daycare) two days a week. I thought this would shift his affection a bit. But when he would come home I still felt like he was mad at me for dropping him off there all day!

Then during dinner one night, my son started choking. (Scary!) He was still breathing, but clearly had something lodged in his esophagus. Thankfully he was able to get it up. But following that moment, he didn’t want Momma to comfort him, only Daddy could save the day.

The last straw occurred this week when I picked him up from grandma’s house. My husband and I had returned home from our first weekend away just us two. I couldn’t have been more excited to see my little guy. But no sooner than I picked him up, did he want back down so he could run back to Grammy. This about killed me.

Does my child like me? Those are the words that keep going off in my head. Surely my one year old doesn’t know the difference between like and dislike. But I couldn’t help but feel like my little baby just didn’t want/need his mommy the way he used to anymore.

How do I get off the bus?

As much as I hate to admit it, my son is growing up.  But that doesn’t make the struggle any less real. I am slowly starting to understand that while he doesn’t need me like he did when he was a baby, he still loves his mom. So why do I still feel inadequate? I think it is a combination of a lot of different things. The episodes when he wants someone else instead of me, stress of long hours at work or even the feeling that the time I DO spend with him isn’t worthwhile. I could go on and on.

So I sought advice from some of my knowledgeable advisors…other moms. And after talking with these ladies their message was clear. Welcome to motherhood.

This mom gig is without a doubt the best job in the world. But with it often comes stress and guilt. Several mom’s before me have written about mom guilt of varying degrees. So I find a bit of solace in knowing that I am not alone.

However, I simply wish there was a magic button I could push to make this feeling go away. I love my son more than anything in the world. Which is why it makes it so hard to see him growing up and not needing mom by his side day in and day out. Unfortunately, there may be no real solution for broken heart. I know I need to put my feelings aside realize that I am his mom and no one can take that honor away from me.

Give it your all when you can

So I continue to be on the struggle bus. Regardless of how hard this week has been, I am trying to look at the bright side. This setback serves as a firm reminder to check myself. There are times when we all need to really slow down to think about what’s important.  A little perspective is often necessary for moms.  For me, this was one of those times. So maybe I put the computer away a little earlier tonight. Maybe I rock him a little longer this evening. Maybe I go grab him from daycare at lunch and escape to the playground. Or maybe I play hooky from work to get those extra special hours with my little man.

I know my son loves me, I do. I may have to repeat it each time I can’t make it home before bedtime, or when I hear him giggle at the nanny or when I drop him off at daycare. But deep down I know he does.

I also know that no one can break our bond. Struggle bus or not, I’m his mom and I remain steadfast in keeping that love intact and growing forever.