Disclaimer: There are so many emotions and mounds of anxiety that come with even thinking about writing this post. I am first and foremost a completely honest person, and I tend to be an open book. I believe that each person has a story, and that every story could have a tremendous impact on the world if it is shared. So why am I choosing to keep my identity a secret on this story, MY STORY? The answer is that when betrayal is faced in marriage, you quickly realize that not everyone is a “SAFE” person to tell. I know that I am not far enough down the road of recovery to be so vulnerable with unsafe friends and family.
Just porn
Why is it a big deal…. porn isn’t that bad…. at least he didn’t cheat on you… it’s not like they are “real” women.
These are all words that were said to me in the aftermath of my husband’s betrayal. That is what it was.
BETRAYAL.
My husband betrayed my trust by having a porn and masturbation addiction. He betrayed who he was and the man that I know by constantly, consistently choosing to expend his sexual energies outside of our marriage bed.
It has been two and a half years since I asked my husband if he struggled with porn in a McDonald’s drive-thru line. We had heard a communion dedication about “every man’s battle.” I asked my husband knowing in my gut that his answer would, of course, be NO. Instead, I sat there between the pay and the pick-up window trying not to cry in front of my three toddlers. My husband, a man of integrity, a man who would never lie or deceive me, a man who consistently put my needs first, became a man that was deceitful, selfish, self-absorbed, and a liar. My mind, life, and sense of reality became fragmented. There was the getting my toddlers McDonald’s and then there was the “who in the world was I married to?”
We went home and husband said you just go rest I have the kids. “Thanks! You got the kids. Fan-freaking-tastic!!!”
There were a million things that ran through my head that night and the several nights following. Thanks, insomnia!
How could I be so naive?
My husband struggled with unwanted same-sex attraction due to abuse, and I have known about it since before we got married. How could I be so naive that this would not be an issue for us? He was getting counseling and had been for five years. He was working on his SSA. “How did this become a problem for us? Is my husband really gay? Will he someday leave me for another man? How will I ever explain that? What if I am not good enough as a woman? Do I even have the right to be upset since it is ‘just porn’?”
There was a ton of shame that I felt on that day.
The shame of somehow not being adequate or feminine. My internal critic (you all know the one that picks at your deepest insecurities) became alive and well again. It was relentless at body shaming and all-out shaming. I thought we had a good marriage, that there was plenty of sex and intimacy, and that we were not going to be either of our parents. We were happy, or at least we were happy in the world and the reality that I lived in.
But that is the difference, my husband and I lived in TWO very different realities. “Just porn” had caused a division in our marriage.
Porn was not okay with me. If you wouldn’t be okay with your child being a porn star, then you are probably not okay with “just porn” either. It took me a little while to realize that I was allowed to be this upset over “just porn”. It was a betrayal. I define betrayal as any act of sexual energy being released not between my husband and I. That may sound particularly strict, but the reality is that I should be the only desire that my husband has. Porn completely rots the brain and is an unrealistic persona of a woman/man. I am not an object, and I do not want to compete with an object. Men do not need to masturbate. To my knowledge, no one has ever died from lack of masturbation. Side note: Frequent masturbation and porn usage can actually lead to erectile dysfunction. Many women I have met on the road to recovery from betrayal have different definitions of what constitutes betrayal. The basic principle is that betrayal is anything that steps outside of the boundaries that are comfortable with either person. I suggest that those boundaries are talked and established. Ask about it. Living in the blind and two different realities is not a healthy place to be in a marriage.
The reality is that sexual betrayal is sexual betrayal.
The partner who has been betrayed will likely have many of the same feelings and stages of grief regardless of whether with heterosexual or homosexual, just porn, strip clubs, illegal sexual activity, or affairs. It is a reality that I have come to know all too well over the last 2.5 years sitting every Tuesday in a room of 40 women. Women who have all faced sexual betrayal. Women who are the bravest, awe-inspiring, fear-conquering, sympathetic, graceful and accepting. It is the best and the worst place to be. Women I never wanted to meet, but I couldn’t live life without. Women who have taught me to flourish despite the pain.
