At just a few days shy of 30 weeks pregnant, I’m positive that I’ve hit my Don’t Give A @!$# Phase. I remember having a pretty strong one during my first pregnancy around the same time. Third tri hits. I’m not sleeping well. I can’t put on my own socks. I’m starting to waddle. Shaving my legs resembles an acrobatic act at a circus. Except I’m not cute and nimble. I’m more like an elephant tripping over my trunk one step into a high wire act. And at every OBGYN appointment, they expect me to leave a urine sample in what is basically a shot glass when I can’t even see over my belly.
And there’s the other weird pregnancy stuff. While I’ve had the pleasure of forgoing that lovely monthly cycle for the last 7 months, I’ve still had to invest a small fortune in pantyliners. Does ‘snissing’ ring a bell for anyone who’s been pregnant? Um yea. That happens about 70 times a day.
I’m at the point where I should probably just go into hiding for the remainder of this pregnancy. I have enough weird stuff going on with my body and more than enough weird questions from my 3-year-old about the weird stuff that I don’t need or want to deal with anyone else’s weird stuff.
Pregnancy is always looked at as such a beautiful time in a woman’s life. Glowing skin. Cute bump. Anticipation. And don’t get me wrong – it certainly is beautiful. Despite all the weirdness, I enjoy being pregnant (most of the time). And some people do have pretty awesome skin during pregnancy. But being pregnant also brings on some just plain weird stuff. So naturally, I’ve compiled a list of some of this weird. (TMI ahead.)
- Morning Sickness (not just for the morning!). I lucked out and was diagnosed with HG (basically super extreme morning sickness) at around seven-ish weeks or so when I was hospitalized for some major dehydration. That time of my life is still fuzzy. I had already been puking non-stop for about three weeks at that point. I’ve had my fair share of stomach bugs in the past, but even I didn’t know that a human could throw up that much and still be alive and carrying another human in their body to boot.
- While I was busy puking my brains out, the rest of my digestive system decided to take a hiatus for a couple of months. The local pharmacist and I bonded over a discussion of which stool softener I should try. It was his idea that I should probably just plan on continuously using it throughout the pregnancy. He wasn’t wrong.
- Belly Button. My belly button popped this time. I was not prepared. My daughter caught a glimpse of it one day and told me that it was gross and that I should probably clean it. She wasn’t wrong either.
- Pelvic Pain. I definitely had pelvic pain and the accompanying waddle during my first pregnancy. But it was more toward like 38 weeks, not 28. I walk like I’ve been riding a horse with a really bad trot for a week straight, and my mom is convinced the baby is going to be 30 pounds and is just putting too much pressure on me. At any rate, I feel like my entire pelvic bone may be cracked somewhere.
- Nose Bleeds. Very random nose bleeds. I have some pretty horrible sinuses that won’t let anything out ever, so the sudden onslaught of nosebleeds was unexpected. Usually at night just when I’m settling into bed and finally getting to chat with my husband, the great flood of 2015 comes pouring from my nose, and I have to waddle back to the bathroom for an entire box of tissues. Sexy, I know.
- My husband claims I did this before pregnancy, but he’s a LIAR so I’m adding it here. Sometimes, I wake myself up snoring. The cat won’t even sleep next to me anymore. (Actually, this might not be a bad thing.)
- Food Cravings/Aversions. I’m not talkin’ the cliché pickles & ice cream. My food cravings are basically anything that I didn’t eat before pregnancy. My food aversions are basically everything that I did eat before pregnancy. I DON’T EVEN KNOW WHO I AM ANYMORE.
- Snissing. Remember that from above? It’s a combo of ‘sneezing’ and another word for ‘peeing’. It can also happen if you laugh too hard. Or trip a little. Or the baby punches your bladder in-utero. It pretty much just happens whenever it wants to happen. Just know that you’re probably going to pee yourself and it’s totally ok.
While I’m without-a-doubt enjoying the feel of teeny baby kicks and happily anticipating the arrival of another sassy little gal, I can also without-a-doubt confirm that I won’t miss any of the above. Except I might just keep snoring if it keeps the cat out of the bed. Sorry/not sorry, Gus-Gus.