If sleep is defined as an inactive condition of the body where the eyes are closed, the postural muscles are relaxed, and consciousness is practically suspended, then I am definitely sleepwalking through these early years of motherhood, except my eyes are open. I have moments of consciousness, but ultimately I am in a daze, merely going through the motions.
Not in the lack of interest type of going through the motions, more like a robot or on autopilot – wake up, eat breakfast, feed the baby, remind the girls to brush the teeth they want to keep, eat, fold, clean, lessons, get the kids to bed, repeat. The fact that I just summed up my day in one sentence leaves me feeling, well, kind of ashamed with a hint of guilt.
Now, don’t get me wrong. I LOVE my three. Being a mom did not come easy for me; I genuinely believe each life is a miracle; conception is a miracle. So I feel guilty for not living in the moment, for not enjoying the laughter and smiles and teachable moments. I feel shame when I admit that when I am asked, “what did you do today,” I can barely remember the events that occurred.
The days are long, but the years are short.
So here I am. Stuck in the mundane. Constantly on repeat. Having the desire to fast forward to better days, but knowing it’s best to live in the moment because rewinding life is not possible.
As a mother, what do I do? How do I move away from autopilot to purposeful and intentional living? What do I need to do to be present?
I want to say it starts with waking up to the world around me, but what if it begins with awareness—being aware of me, my emotions, and needs.
We do A LOT some days like bike rides, picture walks, and water play. There are plenty of hugs, smiles, and high fives with a “great job girls!” But in the midst of that, sometimes I feel like I am hanging in there until bedtime.
Maybe that’s it. I am in the exhaustion of the days. (sigh)
At this point, I feel as if I should offer some encouragement or wisdom, but I have absolutely nothing.
I do know that tomorrow, I will at least try to feel. I will try to feel the cool of the morning as I walk downstairs. And maybe the warmth of the shower whenever that happens. Feeling the physical elements just may wake me enough to become more aware and in an active state of consciousness.
