It was around his 5th grade year when I asked my son how school was going, and for the first time, all I received was a polite, yet quick, “Good.” So I asked him, “Just good?” to which then he uttered the horrifying, “Pretty good.” I remember having to stop in my tracks and reassess things. When my son was younger, he would talk about anything and everything to me. Preschool, kindergarten, first grade, etc., there was always talking. I asked myself what had changed: Did I do something wrong? Was he unhappy at school? Is he not getting enough sleep at night? No, it was none of that; he was simply growing up, and this behavior was quite normal at times. I was the one overanalyzing everything, so I knew I needed to be my own hype girl and came to this realization: I now needed to ask more clever or open-ended questions to garner more information. I knew I should be creating space for him to talk, and ultimately, my approach and mindset mattered.
By using specific, yet genuine questions and mastering the art of creating space in conversations, you can truly make your child feel heard, understood and validated; not judged or ridiculed. Here are ideas for launching fun, insightful and interesting discussions with your kids and creating space for those discussions:
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Ask: “What surprised you today at school?”
By asking what surprised your child, you bypass the often expected “How was school today?” lead question and venture straight for a unique approach, and now you are opening up the door to extend the conversation beyond “Good” or “ Ok.” Most likely they will recall the day quickly in their head and try to find something interesting that stands out to share with you.
Most recently when I asked my son this question, he excitedly shared that he is reading a book called Chew On This in his Language Arts class, and he proudly rattled on, “If you put all the burgers America eats every year in a straight line, it would circle the globe 32 times. That’s 13 billion burgers per year!” Then he started talking about the school fundraiser, the crowded hallways during passing periods, how his bus dropped him off two hours late on the first day of school, how he would prefer I not put string cheese in his lunch anymore and a bunch of other topics. Sometimes a small tweak to an existing staple question can make all the difference and open up the floodgates of fun discussion.
2. Request: “Describe the very best thing that happened to you today!”
Often I get, “Coming home” or “Getting through the day” in response to this prompt, but usually there is something that makes my son start relaying events from the day. The day Chromebooks were distributed, for example, he was excited, yet he said he was also nervous because his last name starts with “B.” He was first in line, which means he fears he will be called up first for all speeches and situations where kids are named off one by one. When he shared how another victory of the day was how he yanked out the annoying tag that was still inside his new shorts, we both shared a great laugh together. Prompting kids with a question that incites positivity can lead to longer conversations and perhaps more laughs!
3. Ask: “What would you say was the most difficult thing today?”
This question can sometimes lead to an answer that pulls at your heartstrings. Yet, it’s still a strong one to ask because it provides your child an outlet and you the insight and awareness of what they may be facing at school. You may have truly zero concept of some battles they are facing, big or small. When my son asked me to record his voice because a girl told him his voice “didn’t sound real,” I was slightly taken aback, but did what he asked. He listened to the recording and said he didn’t think he sounded fake or robotic. He felt better afterwards, and I felt relief that he knew he could tell me anything without judgment, just unconditional love and support from me. It’s about creating space, and watch the bond and trust strengthen.
4. Request: “Please tell me who you sat with at lunch and what you ate.”
When you approach with a specific question or two other than “How was your school day?” you can get much further with knowing what your child’s day looks like when you are apart. There is something very uplifting when hearing about your child’s lunch group and the topics they discussed. You can also identify if your child has a lunch group, or if they are eating on their own (or not eating), as that would definitely be a situation to change.
5. Announcement: Remind them about something fun on the calendar.
Always have something on the calendar you, your child and family can be excited about. It can be anything! A walk at the park, a new puzzle to put together, a fun mini trip or adventure. By putting this event on the calendar, you are igniting energy and momentum. Routine and structure continues with this exciting component standing out as a highlight in the near future. You never truly know the impact this “little” calendar event can make, and how it might propel your child through dull or tough times. Maybe they will offer a fun suggestion as well. Create the space and see the magic that can ensue.
Overall, I do believe our kids truly do want to talk to us. We just need to be clever and intentional with our approach. As my son has grown and is now in middle school, I have definitely learned that the best, most impactful conversations seldom get launched with the most “Captain Obvious” questions. Instead, they begin with patience, a genuine heart and creating a space where anything feels safe; where emotions can be revealed, where the child can be vulnerable and authentic. It’s amazing how you do not just learn about your child’s school day, but you can uncover the beauty and privilege of hearing their thoughts, concerns, curiosities, passions, dislikes and more. As often as we can, let’s create special space and dodge the dreaded “Fine” or “Good.”
