Today I feel guilty.
My son woke up late and we had minimal time for breakfast before we had to get out the door and on to camp. I reminded him to get his socks and shoes on while I ran up the stairs to get his half-sleeping sister out of bed. When I returned to the living room, he still didn’t have his shoes on and I lost it. I snapped and yelled. He didn’t deserve that. Why was I mad over a pair of socks?
Today I feel guilty.
My daughter woke up on the wrong side of the bed. And when she wakes up she isn’t a sweet, precious darling – she’s a grumpy threenager who is already angry at the world. This morning her favorite tutu dress wasn’t clean so she didn’t want to get dressed, which means a kicking and screaming tantrum. I threw the dress on her chair and slammed the door. That was harsh. I need to be patient. She doesn’t understand. I shouldn’t have slammed the door.
Today I feel guilty.
The sun is out for the first time in days and we are all ready for an afternoon at the pool. We pack up, head to the pool and take full advantage of this time. Just as we are getting to leave, two of their best friends show up at the pool. The older two are ready to stay but their sister has another agenda. She’s tired, worn out and in full-blown beast mode. Everyone’s embarrassed as we part ways from the pool with a thrashing child in the stroller. I see the older two hang their heads as we leave knowing their best friends are still there. It’s not their fault and I wish I could figure out a way to let them stay longer and enjoy time with their friends.
Today I feel guilty.
After all three kids are in bed, I finally have alone time with my husband. But I’m tired. Like really tired. So I hang out in our bedroom catching up on the DVR while he watches baseball in the living room. We barely see each other so we should be spending these quiet hours together. But we aren’t because we are both exhausted and catching up on this week’s missed episodes of Real Housewives sounds so good. However, I miss my husband and the uninterrupted conversations we used to have when our days didn’t seem so busy. I really need to spend more time with him and I should make the most of these evenings together.
Today I feel guilty.
I left the house after bath time to meet up with some friends for dinner. All three kids followed me to my car with hugs, kisses, and questions as to where I was going. After lovings in the driveway, I pulled away to see three little faces waving to me as I left. They knew I wouldn’t be there for our bedtime routine. I knew I wasn’t going to be there for the bedtime routine. And that makes me sad.
Today I feel guilty.
Since becoming a mom, I am constantly fighting this battle of guilt. Often times I wonder – will I always feel guilty about SOMETHING? And why is it a daily emotional battle? Maybe because I’m striving to always be better and give my children everything and anything they need. Or maybe because I’m constantly playing the mental comparison game. Regardless, I feel guilty. And I don’t want to feel guilty. Society puts so much pressure on women in general now adding the position of motherhood on top of that and it’s like a double whammy. While I wish I had the solution to this guilt-stricken feeling, I really don’t. But I’m hopeful that we, as moms, can continue sharing our stories and help one another realize we aren’t alone.
Today I feel guilty. And I’m sure that sometime tomorrow I will too. But mamas I see you. I feel you. And we don’t need to feel guilty about everything because this job is hard enough. We are doing the best that we possibly can.
