When the world feels heavy, and it seems like the weight of it all is on my shoulders, I look back at my pictures.
I look at tiny fingers and toes sticking out of newborn swaddles. I think about how, in those moments, life felt so new and fresh and terrifying and hard all at the same time. I was tired. I was overwhelmed. I had no idea what I was doing half the time. And yet, I learned. I adapted. I loved. I grew.
If I scroll a little further, I’ll find floppy puppy ears and silly videos of an uncoordinated goof running around and squeaking toys. I think about the midnight potty trips and the scary moments when they got into something they shouldn’t have, and that awful feeling of not knowing what to do.
I keep scrolling, and I see old houses. Old jobs. Old coworkers. Family members who have passed on, and pictures I took without knowing that would be the last picture I ever had with them. Pets I’ve loved and lost. Fresh babies that I longed to hold with my whole heart. Our first family vacation. Birthday parties. Christmas mornings. Messy houses. Little hands. Ordinary days that didn’t feel important enough to remember at the time.
And that’s the thing about pictures. They don’t just remind me of the moment in the picture. They remind me of everything that was happening around it.
I think about the journey in between the moments.
The amazing times. The really hard times. The things I was worried about that eventually worked themselves out. The things I thought would break me that, somehow, I made it through. And lately, I’ve been thinking about how sometimes the things that feel the heaviest are actually the things I will someday be grateful for.
A bad day at home. A week at work that feels like a complete dumpster fire. A hard decision where there doesn’t seem to be a right answer, just a choice between two things that both feel a little bit wrong. In the moment, I don’t feel particularly grateful for any of it…But then I stop and think about what those things actually mean.
A messy house means I have a home full of people living in it. There are toys on the floor because my kids are playing. There are dishes in the sink because we ate dinner together. There is laundry because we have clothes to wear and people who need them.
A tough week at work means I have a job that trusts me enough to make hard decisions. It means I get to be challenged, to lead, to figure things out, even when I don’t have all the answers.
And those impossible choices? As frustrating as they can be, I’m grateful that I have a conscience that makes me stop and think about what is right and what is wrong. I’m grateful that I care enough for the decision to feel hard in the first place.
Sometimes I think we forget that the things we’re complaining about are also evidence of a life we once hoped for.
I look at an old picture of myself and think, I remember exactly what was happening in my life then. I remember who I was. And I think that’s what I need when the world feels heavy. I need to remember that I’ve lived a lot of life already.
I’ve had days when I didn’t know what was coming next. I’ve had days when I was exhausted and overwhelmed, just trying to make it to bedtime. I’ve said goodbye to people and pets I loved. I’ve watched my kids grow through stages I wasn’t ready to let go of. I’ve started new chapters and closed old ones. And I’ve been so, so happy, too.
Sometimes I think we forget that it all counts. The hard stuff. The beautiful stuff. The boring Tuesday afternoons. The vacations. The tears. The tiny moments that no one else would think to take a picture of.
It’s all part of it.
People will ask me, “Why do you take so many pictures?” And I usually just laugh and say, “I don’t know. I just like taking pictures.” But I think I do know.
Because someday, I’m going to look back at the pictures I’m taking right now and I’m going to see the kids a little smaller, the dogs a little younger, the house a little different, the forehead wrinkles a little less prominent. I’m going to see the people I love exactly as they are today. And I know I’ll miss it.
So when the world feels heavy, I scroll through my camera roll. Not because my life has been perfect. (It absolutely hasn’t.) But because it reminds me of how much my heart has felt, how much I’ve loved, how much I’ve been given, and how damn lucky I am to get to experience this life with the people I love.
Even on the days when it feels like nothing is going right, I can look back and remember that I’ve been here before. I’ve made it through worse, and I’ll still experience better – and there is still so much more life to live.
So yes, I’ll keep taking the pictures (Maybe more than I need to) because I know there will come a day when I’ll need them, when the world feels heavy.
