I am a 38-year-old woman, and I want to have another baby, but I’m not getting pregnant again. I’ve been trying for a year now; every month, I am filled with hope and excitement about the possibility of being pregnant, only to get very disappointed and sad just as fast. I didn’t know that because I’m older than 35 I was supposed to take a fertility test after 6 months of trying and not after one year (my doctor didn’t tell me), I finally have an appointment to get some tests done, but it feels too little too late.
I guess you could say I started late in life in terms of my biological clock. Around my mid-twenties I was clear on my career path I was going to finish graduate school, do a fellowship and find a job in the industry all that, while getting married and having kids. I did have a long-term relationship with my college sweetheart, and I thought I wanted to marry him, but deep down, I knew he wasn’t the right one for me. We broke up when I was about to turn 30, and I met someone else soon after that. He was older and already had kids. One of the first things I asked him was if he wanted to have more children, and he assured me that yes, although I think deep down, he didn’t, plus this was a long-distance relationship that was set for failure since the beginning.
I continued my professional path and moved to Indy for work, where I met my husband when I was 33. We were already engaged when I got pregnant (it wasn’t planned), and I gave birth to my baby 5 months after my 35th birthday, so I was already considered of advanced maternal age. I had a good pregnancy. I even worked until the day before I gave birth. I ended up having an unplanned c-section, but I didn’t really have any other complications. The thing is, I didn’t feel ready to start trying again until my baby was 21 months old (I was already 37). Motherhood hit me harder than I expected, and I also wanted to spend more time with just my firstborn before having another baby, but now, I’m wondering if I should have tried right away, even if I didn’t feel ready for a second child.
When we finally started trying again, I thought I was going to get pregnant immediately, I mean the first time I got pregnant I wasn’t even trying, right?!. I felt so confident about getting pregnant that I was following the tips from the book how to choose the sex of your baby to try for a girl, (not that it has a lot of scientific-based evidence, but it was worth a try), and, I did get pregnant after 2 months, I felt excited and relieved and even cocky that it hadn’t taken that long. But then I had a miscarriage around week five, and it was hard; I did not have complications or anything, and for that, I feel grateful, but now I don’t know how to get past the anxiety, the self-doubt, the feeling of not being fit and being too old to have another baby. I know none of that helps, and I have been trying to meditate, eat better, and exercise, but the anxiety peaks every month I don’t get pregnant.
I’m starting to feel weird about saving my maternity clothes and the baby stuff I may not use again. I also feel like I’m in a competition with friends and family who are also trying to get pregnant, and I dread the day they’ll share their news with me. I don’t want to feel like that, but I don’t know how to stop it.
Some things this situation has helped me get to terms with are: first, I have decided I don’t want to try to go through the IVF route, and I don’t want to put my mind and body through hormone treatment for a 20% success rate on average. I have also thought about not wanting to try to get pregnant forever. I don’t want my children to have a big age gap, and I don’t want to be that old when and if I have a second child. I am beyond grateful and feel extremely lucky to have my one perfect baby, and my heart goes out to everyone struggling with infertility and health-related issues. I know there are many good things about being an only child and that I’ll try to be the best mother for him even if he doesn’t get a sibling.
