We all know Jane Doe. She might be a best friend or an acquaintance in the periphery of the social circle. She might be a relative or a coworker. She might sit next to you in your house of worship, or she might be your favorite barista at your local coffee shop. She might even be you. While there is still a cloud of anonymity often built out of shame and guilt, the statistics indicate that we all know Jane Doe. As I was reading my way through the coverage of the Cornell Seven this week, I was saddened by a reality that left me simultaneously saddened and enraged. For all the “advances” that have been made for women, the chances of being a victim of sexual assault or knowing someone who is remain incredibly high, leading to an uncomfortable truth: we all know Jane Doe.
The CDC reports that “1 in 5 women have experienced completed or attempted rape in their lifetime”. As I read through the reporting, I was shook at how eerily the circumstances, reactions, and basic facts chronicled the familiar storyline we’ve read about for years. Take away the timestamp and the technology present in the documents, and it could be set in any time in modern history. It’s a night out that forever changes a woman’s life. Additionally, too often, society confuses the presence of alcohol, drugs, clothing, apparel, or other factors as reasons to dismiss the seriousness of what transpired.
The details of the situation reported this week immediately brought back memories I often choose to suppress. The reason I know we all know Jane Doe is because I am her. I am the girl who told a boy no and yet woke up to find that my no had been perceived as merely a suggestion. Just like the testimony in the Cornell Seven, I acted nonchalant about it afterward. We lived in the same neighborhood, worked out at the same gym, and had overlapping social circles. I didn’t want to cause drama. In fact, I was so determined to show that it wouldn’t be a problem that I went to breakfast the next morning and acted as if nothing had happened. Besides, what was I going to say to defend myself? The truth? Was I supposed to say that after a night of drinking I walked back to his place, never intending to be physical but knowing I shouldn’t walk myself home on the empty, dark streets back to my place? Even if that was the truth, I had heard the shaming of women enough to know that in the courtroom of public opinion my reasoning wouldn’t matter. What was there to gain by coming forward?
We all know Jane Doe because she is my friend. She is my friend who was gang raped by men she thought were her friends. My heart rate raced as I read the reporting this week. The details of the report of the incident at Cornell followed the same storyline. It was a day she hadn’t intended to go out, and she ended up at a fraternity on campus. There was alcohol (and likely drugs, though she doesn’t remember willingly taking any). Then there was the violation of her bodily autonomy that would have reverberating repercussions for years to come. Just like at Cornell, the rumor mill spread like wildfire, and just like Jane Doe, my friend for weeks didn’t truly process what had happened to her. Similar to my own experience and the details reported of the Cornell student, my friend laughed off what had happened for weeks. It was her biggest defense mechanism. She tried to pretend it was consensual to quell the rumor mill- it didn’t work.
While our stories are just two anecdotes, throughout this week I have found myself wondering: how are we still here? Even with the Me Too movement and efforts to move the conversation forward, I find myself asking: where have we failed as a society? How is it that we all know Jane Doe, and how do we do more to prevent our kids from the same fate? We as parents must do better. We must teach our kids that every human has inherent worth and dignity. We must model that behavior in our actions. We must teach them to respect boundaries and practice what consent means, particularly when there might be the presence of factors that may alter judgment. We must teach our children to use their voices and to say something when situations merit. We must do better so our children don’t grow up in a world saying the words we all know Jane Doe.
