Anonymous Stories in Motherhood: I Am In An Emotional Affair

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affair

I love my husband, but I’m in an emotional affair.

I’m not sure how I let this happen. I’m a happily married woman, or I thought I was. A long-lasting relationship and a few children, what more could anyone want? Apparently, a lot more. With my husband, I had lost the butterflies, the fireworks, the connection we once had. It was gone, and if I’m being honest, it’s been gone for a long time. I found that connection again with a handsome co-worker. Found feelings I hadn’t seen or felt in a long time. Felt considerable butterflies in my stomach that put the biggest smile on my face. Before I knew it, I realized I was in an emotional affair.

How did this happen?

It started very innocently. We were working closely together on a work project and the occasional flirtatious message back and forth. Both of us married and with kids, what harm could a few flirty messages do? I found myself feeling those butterflies anytime I saw his name pop up. Any time we had to talk on the phone about work, I hung up with the biggest smile on my face. Then from there, it escalated quickly. Turning into a can’t eat, can’t sleep, can’t stop thinking about him, emotional affair.

I would fantasize about seeing him and where that would lead. Nowhere good was the answer. We lived several states away, and both realized this was a complete fantasy. The thought of cheating on my husband emotionally or beyond had never crossed my mind until this. Mystery Man and I both recognized this wasn’t a reality and there were real people, including our children, that would get hurt in our path.

It was a bright spot in my day, and as wrong as it was, it made me happy.

My marriage

I thought we were solid. He was and is my best friend, and there was never the slightest thought of ever being with anyone else. Sure we had issues. What marriage doesn’t? But I figured they would always just work themselves out.

We were the picture-perfect family. What outsiders couldn’t see and what I didn’t realize until this event was how unhappy I was. I realized we had almost become roommates, going through the motions of marriage. The lack of intimacy in our marriage had been an issue for a long time and something I was always the one to bring up, never him. I can probably count on two hands the times we’ve had sex in the last several years. I felt terrible about myself. Was I so disgusting that he could go years without sex? Was there someone else in the picture? To cope, I’ve had to come to the reality that sex won’t be part of our relationship, and I have a really difficult time seeing my husband in an intimate way now. I’m scared those feelings towards him will never come back, but even more scared that I’m too exhausted from years of trying to even get back to a good spot.

Where do we go from here?

I honestly don’t know. I hate calling it an emotional affair, but that’s exactly what it is, and it’s brought a lot of things to the surface that I didn’t want to face. I’m struggling with how to process it all. I also feel terrible for all of the sneaking around and hiding all of this. I feel so guilty.

We both, the handsome mystery man who gives me all the feels and myself, realized this was insane. We both knew this was wrong but didn’t want it to stop.

It felt good to be adored. It felt good to be seen and heard.

We knew it had to end. There was no path where this relationship made sense, even if it made us both happy. There were spouses and children that this would end up hurting. I know neither one of us ever meant to hurt anyone in all of this. We were obviously looking for something we weren’t getting in our current relationships.

I’m sad and can’t figure out why. I’m also mad at myself for letting it get to this point. I always thought my husband was who I was supposed to be with. He was my person. Now I’m struggling, thinking maybe that’s not the case.

Do I fight for my marriage and my kids? Most of my brain says yes. The other part of my brain is too tired to fight. Too tired to have one more conversation about what I need from my husband.

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