We met by chance. Long-distance challenged us and we fell in love nonetheless. Then, we got married, bought a house, and had kids. That’s how love stories traditionally happen, but somewhere along the road, my love for my husband started dwindling. I love him but am I IN LOVE with him? I don’t know.
We were young, ambitious, and ready to tackle our careers head-on. We were determined to make our dreams a reality. At the time we seemed invincible because together we were the best team. Fast forward to parenthood and a home filled with kids, I wonder what went wrong?
Every day I go through the movements of each day’s routine. Getting the kids up and ready for school. Having my own responsibilities and meeting deadlines. All on top of managing a house, making sure bills are paid, and remembering every small detail of each child, friend, and family member. In a nutshell, I’m burnt out but society expects me to keep going. Sometimes I find myself staring into space wondering what happened to my ambitious younger self who believed to be invincible. But now I find myself vulnerable and anxious. Then I turn to my husband, someone who used to be my rock, and wonder where did he go?
Motherhood threw me into an abyss of vulnerability. I find myself trying to crawl out reaching for a hand to help me out. More times than not, I’m hoping it’s my husband to grab me but he’s not there.
We were in love but now I’m wondering where did our love go?
I’ve never felt so empowered yet discouraged as a mother. As a wife, I’ve never felt so lonely and ignored. I’ve tried to talk to my husband about how I’m struggling and how I need him to listen to me when I’m upset. But lately, it’s as if he’s ignoring me and dismissing my feelings. I don’t know how many times we have had this discussion yet, he doesn’t seem to understand how it’s affecting me. I just want to find the love that strengthened us and built us. When we were in love, nothing could stand in our way. It’s as if we are standing in the way of each other. The optimist in me believes this is just a phase and I’ll just have to soldier on even if that means carrying the weight of my emotions.
I love him for everything he has given me and the life we are building together. But the love we used to have seems non-existent. Maybe that’s part of growing old. That the love we had for each other was meant to spill into our kids and that in time our love will grow back. At least, that’s what I hope.
I love him, but I’m not in love with my husband.
