I want a divorce but I am afraid to get one. I am very unclear about being “in love,” like what that truly means. We have been married for so many years, and as much as I would love to blame the pandemic, we probably never should’ve gotten married. At the time, it felt like the right thing to do. My college years (as fun as they were) were behind me, and my family was beginning to question my dating choices. So when I met my husband, he was a safe choice. My family loved him; he came from a great family, and we looked great together. But I overlooked things like his lack of maturity, experience, degree, and financial security as things we could overcome.
On the eve of my wedding, I had a bad feeling. It felt like I had been kicked in my stomach. But it was another thing I overlooked. We got married, and it was alright, but honestly, never butterflies. We had children, which I always desired, just not with him, and we have traveled through the years busy, but lately, he feels like a stranger. We don’t have intimacy, and it wasn’t until I ventured out of my marriage that I discovered how I genuinely wanted to feel in my relationship. I know that it sounds cliché, but “Life is short,” and I have experienced a substantial amount of loss. Being happy is of utter importance to me. In therapy, I learned that a happy mother is more important than a married one. I just want to feel things again. I do not want to be the people who sit on their phones on the couch. There is such a thing as passion and intimacy in marriages, and they do exist for some people after year five.
In past years I talked myself out of divorce because things turned around, and I became somewhat happy. We became overcome with extracurricular activities and monotony, and I depended on him to assist with the kids. I also have become accustomed to certain parts of life; he is my friend. I just no longer want to be his wife. Although we look great in pictures, it is smoke in mirrors. As I’ve gotten older, I have become more in tune with what I want in life, and knowing this isn’t it, is my first step.