It took me over a year to get pregnant the first time. My second pregnancy ended up in a miscarriage, and my third pregnancy was conceived with the help of several ovulation kits. Getting pregnant was never something that we were able to do as seamlessly as others. So when I looked at that test and realized I was pregnant again, just one year after our baby was born, my heart dropped.
I wasn’t ready.
Life felt crazy enough as my partner and I were both working full time and trying to juggle life with two kids now. We weren’t ready to throw another baby into the mix. Physically I was exhausted from just finally being able to wean the baby off breastfeeding and my job was so demanding that honestly, there were times I could have fallen asleep standing up. Mentally and emotionally, I just wasn’t sure I could handle this.
So I made a call with a local clinic and scheduled an appointment for an abortion.
I remember hanging up from the call and sobbing in my car. This wasn’t part of our plan. But my heart was so heavy. I honestly didn’t feel like we were ready for this. And that just didn’t seem fair to anyone.
For the next few weeks, my appointment weighed heavily on my mind. By this time, the morning sickness had started to set in, and not only was I trying to work and be mom, but I was also spending most of my “free time” in the bathroom or scoping out the closest trashcan. There were mornings I would wake up convinced I was going to call and cancel my appointment but then moments later as I was dry heaving so hard that I felt like my blood vessels in my heard were going to burst, I would quickly backtrack and reassure myself that this was the best choice for our family. But I didn’t feel like I had a definitive answer as to what the right answer was either. I couldn’t make a final decision.
Two nights before my appointment, my husband and I were lying in bed, exhausted. But we knew we had to talk about this pregnancy and decided we had to make the decision together. Was this the ideal time in our life to have a baby? Absolutely not. But were we equipped with a healthy home, financial stability, and the opportunity to raise this baby in a loving family? Yes. One thousand percent. That was the moment I knew I needed to cancel my appointment. It was the answer I needed.
I called the next day and they said they didn’t even have me on the schedule, which was also another sign that this was the right decision for our family.
But that moment in my life made me realize that an abortion is a woman’s choice. It is her body, and it should be her choice to make, not someone who doesn’t know her, the situation she is in, her mental health or wellbeing. While I think we can all agree that babies are beautiful and come with amazing experiences, the circumstances surrounding the pregnancy may not always be like that. And what one woman decides to do with her body is her personal business; one that should not be judged by others who are not currently walking in her shoes.
For me, I look at my precious baby every day and realize that I made the right choice not to have an abortion. But that’s just it – I had the choice. And I’m grateful I was able to make that decision for myself.