Childless Bestie, I See You

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Hi.

It’s me, your Bestie.
You have walked along a minefield that I have been fortunate not to have to navigate: pregnancy loss and being a childless woman.

And despite this, there are seasons of life we have walked through together from the minefield of trauma surgery to navigating new adventures and the ups with the downs in life. You were there when I married the love of my life, you’ve been there when I didn’t know what to do with my career, and you have been there when I needed to decide which pillow cover I needed from IKEA.

I remember the excitement you had telling me that maybe this pregnancy would ‘stick’ and that perhaps this time would be different. The hope we clung to, the multiple exclamations in your text hiding the sheer anxiety that came with this. Multiple messages like this, each with the same ending. The same heartbreaking end.

I was there when you lost your last. I still feel the pain and anger I felt for you when you told me what was happening, and for once, I didn’t know what to say because I couldn’t make this better. I didn’t know how to support you. I was there when you had to wrestle with a decision to stop trying, to be content with how life is, even if that isn’t how you saw your life. You are not childless by choice. This was not something that you ever dreamt for yourself, and the agony of accepting it? I wouldn’t wish that on anyone.

I want you to know that I see you. I see the pain in your eyes when my son calls my name, knowing that is something you will never get to experience because you are childless. I saw the heartbreak when you held him for the first time, so snuggled in your arms, again, something you hadn’t gotten to experience. I see the way you immediately went into Aunt Mode when I told you I was pregnant despite your own losses. I saw you when you felt him move against your hand while we were out at brunch, again, despite your own loss. I saw you love him the moment he could come to our brunch dates earthside, your smile bigger than anything, yet again, despite of your losses.

And as we enter another season of newness and growth, I know that you will be there again despite the pain it may cause you, because you are one of the strongest people I know even when you don’t see it. I know that you protect my family as your own, not because you are obligated to but rather because you are a part of ours. You are their Aunt, even if not by blood.

Childless Bestie, I see you.
I love you.
I recognize you.

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