Expectations and Mom Guilt

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Recently, I finished a phenomenal book. Let me set the scene: a mother witnesses her teenage son kill a stranger outside their home. The following day, she wakes up and finds that she is reliving the morning of the murder, and she might just have a chance to stop it. The remainder of the book follows her as she wakes up on different days in the past, trying to piece together what happened and why. The book’s title is “Wrong Place, Wrong Time” by Gillian McAllister, and it not only deals with a mother who is trying to save her child but also is wondering what she did wrong that allowed her son to travel this path.

There it is: the mom guilt. The part of the book I resonated with most. I was almost surprised to read about it in a work of fiction, as the words are splayed across pages of just about every self-help book about motherhood. If we were to write a list of all the experiences we’ve had while raising children, I would bet that mom guilt would be close to the top for most of us. I personally believe that not a single one of us hasn’t felt it at one time or another, and for myself, reading this book nudged me into thinking about the things I would really go back and change if I could.

There are a hundred things I wish I had done differently, but the one that is at the top for me is “throw out your expectations.” Yikes. Just writing that one is hard.

As a child of a contentious divorce, I spent a lot of time dreaming of what my own life would be like once I became an adult and had control over what happened. Of course, I now realize that control is just about the one thing I don’t have. Instead of being able to hold onto that, I struggle with the gap between expectation and reality and what I have done to contribute to the pieces not aligning. For myself, that’s the mom guilt I carry. Regardless of if it’s right or wrong, that’s what I hold on my shoulders, wondering if things would be better, smoother, happier if only I…..

Mom guilt is heavy. I wish I personally knew a way to put it down, but it’s still not something I have been able to set aside. I do know this, though: I have a really great little family, an awesome husband, and amazing little boys. I’m stressed and tired, but I also have the gift of hearing my kids call me Mama and want to snuggle with me at bedtime. Maybe the issue with expectations is not having them but shifting them to include the realization of life’s imperfections.

Mom guilt comes with being a mom for all of us, so instead of trying to juggle my guilt today, maybe I can just carry it in one arm and be thankful I have another one for my boys to hold onto. We will figure it out, mamas. One day, may we all just be thankful that we are enough in the eyes of our littles.