We spend a lot of time discussing ways to ensure our children develop independence. The discussions start in infancy with topics like sleep and self-soothing, then branch into questions like how to handle skinned knees, play dates, and staying home alone. Like all parents, I sometimes wonder if I am making the right choices. Ultimately, I have approached these issues with a focus on meeting my kids where they are and letting them set the pace for their independence development. The phrase, “I’m here if you need me,” is one I have repeated so many times, and it has become a parenting mantra in my home.
So much of parenting is waiting for my children to need me less. Waiting for them to learn to talk, walk, feed themselves, potty train, and learn countless other skills. As they learn, they no longer need me to perform these tasks. No matter how much I worry, they may NEVER stop needing me, and it eventually happens. After many years of depending on my help, they suddenly insist on doing these tasks without me. So I step back and say yet again, “I’m here if you need me.”
Sometimes, I am glad to let a task go – diaper duty was never my favorite – but often, I’m not ready for the small separations as they occur. So when they hang back and ask for my help a little longer, I let them. These moments have a common thread – a need for connection to me as a safe space. Sometimes, this means I help dry them off after a shower long past the day they learn how, just because they want me to connect with them in that moment. Other times, it means sitting nearby during a tantrum to quietly say, “I’m here if you need me,” and offer a. Hug.
My son used to cling to me when we went to playgrounds or new play spaces. Sometimes, he would hang back until it was nearly time to go, holding onto my arm. I could have cajoled him into playing, but I mostly sat with him quietly. I would repeat again and again over the days, months, and years, “I’m here if you need me.” Sometimes, I wondered if he would ever play without me by his side. Then, one day, we entered a play space, and he immediately toddled off, grinning back at me a few times. Over time, he clung to me less and less. He made new playmates more and more easily. By now, he is in fifth grade, and I’m lucky if I even get a hug in public, though he still confides in me whenever social interactions have been stressful at school.
Being quietly present and not forcing independence seems to be working. I hope that offering a safe space to venture from has helped my children feel safe enough to express themselves and venture out into their worlds further over time. I take such joy in their steps toward independence, but I always reassure them that their safe space remains if needed.
Perhaps the moments that most show me I have chosen the right parenting mantra are when they offer me a safe space in their own arms when needed. If I cry over grief related to my mother’s dementia or if I express frustration at something, they often look at me and say, “I’m here if you need me, mama.” These moments fill my heart with such pride and joy as their mother. I value their compassion and empathy as much as I’ve ever valued their independence.
I may still sometimes question if I’m making the best choices as a parent. After all, what parent doesn’t worry about this? But I will continue to follow my gut and let my children develop independence at their own pace, starting from a safe and supportive home base. We all find our own parenting mantras to get us through the long journey of raising children. I’ve certainly found mine. I will continue to remind my children that “I’m here if you need me” as many times as it takes, and I will proudly watch them live out this same approach with those around them.
