If you’ve navigated a graduation recently, you have likely experienced serious comparison fatigue. There is no shortage of impressive kids out there. Peers are chairing three committees, juggling five AP classes, building homes for Habitat, and starring on the varsity tennis team, all while earning a 4.5 GPA. Like, really, Hannah, how are you pulling all that off? We are following our own time-tested recipe for setting our kids up for success, but not always in the ways you think. When the hubs and I get comments about how our kids are showing up in the world, it usually has nothing to do with their academic or athletic accolades; it’s something else that sets them apart. And while we certainly don’t have all the answers, with eight children, we do have practice in cracking the “good kid” code. Mentors have taught us a lot, but it got me curious… Why do certain kids just stand out?
Research tells us it usually has very little to do with what’s hanging on their wall. Who are the kids the adults remember (for the better)? The ones teachers talk about in the lounge. The ones other kids gravitate toward. The ones you want your own child to befriend. They are not likely the smartest, fastest, or most talented kids in the room. “Soft skills” are the differentiators. The Collaborative for Academic, Social, and Emotional Learning identifies five core competencies that parents can focus on to prepare children for lifelong success. Parental mindset shift: think readiness over resume. It’s not what you do, but rather how.
What does this really mean? Silent superpowers set kids apart: kindness, manners, earned confidence, the ability to communicate effectively and advocate for themselves or others, and integrity. Let’s break it down:
Self-Awareness is recognizing that all emotions are ok, but not all reactions and behaviors are. We don’t inherently have these skills. They must be taught.
Application: Teach regulation, not just behavior. The motivation is entirely different. Regulation is intrinsic, while behavioral expectations are extrinsic. How do we talk to ourselves? How do we behave if no one is around? Parents aren’t always there to support or redirect, so it is vital that young people can motivate themselves toward regulation and responsible behavior. Use noticing language to help your child separate themselves from their emotions. “I notice your shoulders are tense. You wanted to be done with homework by now so you could play outside with your friends. You feel frustrated. Let’s take a few deep breaths and lock in so you have plenty of time to relax.”
Social Awareness is our ability to understand, empathize, and interpret others. It’s our “read-the-room radar.” Children who stand out can analyze and adapt. They follow cues and adjust how they speak depending on the audience. It looks like putting the phone down at the table, noticing when a peer is being excluded, or catching on to a friend’s stress. This is why some kids seem to “fit” everywhere; they’re aware.
Application: Model putting your phone away in social settings, even the ones in your own home. Ask open-ended questions that seek to understand rather than judge. Discuss emotions. Children and young adults need language to communicate their feelings. Without it, they are only left with behaviors.
Self-management allows children to insert a pause between frustration and action. When stress, conflict, and unmet expectations arise (and they will), children who can regulate (breathe, take a beat, separate themselves from the problem, and respond instead of react) will likely be leaders. These are also the kids who get it done without drama or nagging. They just show up, grind it out, and don’t look for praise in exchange for the ordinary. They do the ordinary with extraordinary care and effort, and that takes practice.
Application: Avoid micromanaging and create clear, firm, and simple agreements like, “homework must be done before screen time.” Our kids may need help with the how. When they flounder, support reflection rather than blaming. This may involve goal-setting, acting as an accountability partner, supporting budgeting, or even modeling time management, organization, and self-care.
Relationship skills and engagement go hand-in-hand. Children who stand out are connected. They make eye contact. They speak with clarity and kindness. They aren’t necessarily the loudest or flashiest, but they can hold a conversation and shake hands. These kids open the doors and wait for others to be served.
Application: Start simple. Guide your children to order for themselves at a restaurant (even take-out). Encourage them to speak clearly, make eye contact, and thank the server. Model respect, humor, and humility. Practice conversation without interruption. Give your children opportunities to speak and lead.
Responsible decision-making is making positive decisions based on our values, morals, safety, and the situation. Adults pray this shows up when peer pressure knocks. These are the kids who have the strength and foresight to walk away.
Application: In-the-moment teaching is always great, but it’s even greater to teach a tool before it’s needed, when emotions are calm, and logic is easier to access. Role-play hypotheticals and use the “Why Ladder” when faced with difficult decisions. “Why would you choose…?” Help your children align their choices with personal values and ethics. “Would You Rather” games are great too!
In the end, what really sets kids apart is a bedrock upon which everything else is built. It’s a marathon project that begins early. What happens at home, out of the spotlight, matters: what you read translates, what you allow in translates (energy, disposition, attention, focus). The mental models you create matter. Those set apart kids project confidence in themselves and their foundation. Confidence creates consistency, reliability, and stability – our nervous systems will find comfort in those who provide it. That’s why these children are gravitational. As parents, it’s tempting to build a war chest of accomplishments, crafting a highlight reel of our children’s exceptionalities. When in truth, research shows us that emotional intelligence and a few foundational behaviors are some of the greatest indicators of success.
You can’t lecture your way into these traits. Build slowly and intentionally. It will not be pain-free, especially for the adult, because it takes follow-through and coaching over correcting. Maybe most importantly, we model, because it isn’t what our kids are achieving that sets them apart. It’s how.
