When Inviting Everyone Doesn’t Go To Plan

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everyoneA social media post goes around every few months discussing the importance of inviting everyone; if you are unsure whether to invite ‘her’, then you should just invite her anyway. The post is aimed at women, specifically moms, who suffer high levels of loneliness. I get the whole purpose of the post; we’ve all, at one time or another, been the person who wasn’t invited, whether it was done intentionally or not. Like all of us, I have been on the receiving end of not being invited. The feelings of isolation, loneliness and not being good enough are real and hard to process.

The first time I read the post, I took it to heart. I felt seen and heard, and I shared it on social media. Inside, I promised that I would be the person to invite everyone. I grew up in a large family and we always had the attitude of ‘the more, the merrier’. My home was always filled with friends, family, and extras who would pop up from time to time. Inviting everyone, came naturally to me.

I also understand the dilemma of not inviting someone. Perhaps it’s someone you don’t know too well so you don’t want them to feel you are overly keen or desperate, perhaps a close friend, who is invited, really does not like this person or perhaps, you have invited this person many times and they have not reciprocated the invite. There are many reasons for not inviting someone, and it is a very simple answer to just ‘invite them.’ But what happens when your commitment to inviting everyone doesn’t go according to plan?

I recently had an incident that made me question this approach of inviting everyone. A few years ago, when I moved to my current neighborhood, I became friendly with two neighbors whose children were similar age to my own. For the first year or so, we were cordial and would casually say hello. This slowly turned into being invited for drinks or certain events. It was a great group, as the adults all got along, and the kids were in another part of the home entertaining themselves.

I had always believed the other two moms were closer until one day at the neighborhood pool, one of the mothers (let’s call her Mom A) began bad-mouthing the other mom (let’s call her Mom B). There were many accusations flying around including how strict Mom B was with her kids and chores, her obsession with one of their sons playing football, despite his lack of enthusiasm and how Mom B was jealous of Mom A to the point of copying her interior design and taking her friends. 

To be honest, I was uncomfortable with this back-stabbing, and so I changed the subject many times. Mom A continued to bad-mouth Mom B the entire summer. I tried to sway the conversation away from Mom B but it would always rear its ugly head. Mom A made the point of telling me that from now on Mom B would not be invited to her home. Mom A would hold get togethers at her home and purposely put photos on Facebook so that Mom B would know she was not invited. 

I was always taught to give everyone a clean slate until they showed you otherwise, so despite Mom A not inviting Mom B, I continued to invite her to my home. The stranger thing to me was that when Mom A and Mom B were together, there was no awkwardness. However, as soon as Mom B would leave, Mom A would always have to criticize their interaction.

Recently, there was a disagreement between our children, which needed adult intervention. Straight away, Mom A went to Mom B and began to bad-mouth not only me but one of my children. To my surprise, Mom B decided to take sides with Mom A. Both women are no longer speaking to me; honestly, I’m fine with not being included. The entire incident was handled badly, and I don’t want to be included in childish back and forth. The stab in the back for me is that, despite, sticking up for Mom B and including her when Mom A did not want to include her, she has taken sides with her. I see them both in the neighborhood getting on like best friends.

I know that inviting Mom B to my home did not lead to this falling out. However, it does make me question my approach and openness to new people. Do I need to be more cautious in the future? Should I wait a while before allowing new people into my fold? As much as I have seen their true colors and no longer want to socialize with them, the entire situation was extremely hurtful. In my own way, I did not give in to peer pressure from Mom A, and yet Mom B did not allow me the same concession. We base our judgment of people on our own actions, and in reality, just because I invited her in does not mean she should invite me in. However, it doesn’t take away the feelings of being emotionally hurt by their ‘mean-girl’ approach or make me doubt my ability to judge a character.

I understand the importance of inviting everyone and I understand why this social media post has gone viral. But sometimes, when you end up being the person to be isolated, maybe then you develop a greater understanding of why not everyone will be as open to inviting ‘everyone.’ Yes, sometimes it’s an intentional snub, but sometimes, it could just be someone who was burnt and is building up their confidence to, once again, be as open to new people.

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