I Am Hanging on by a Thread


anxietyI tend to live in a place of gratitude, I always have, and I always will. That is not to say that I do not become overwhelmed and begin to question everything. Go back with me to 2020 when we were all in the house bored, watching YouTube and making family tik toks. We were begging to be let outside, and while we remained hopeful, we knew it would be a while before we were let outside. It was quite a year. The pandemic, the election, and the social unrest took a toll on everyone. Now, we are vaccinated, and the outside is open, and just like that, we miss being inside and I realize I am hanging on by a thread. 

As I discussed previously, I am grateful. However, as the world has opened up, I am officially hanging on by a thread, and I can not be the only one. It is like we went from 0-1 million really quickly. We went from having zero meetings to having one every week and having each of my children back in their activities. My husband is back to working endlessly, and I am back to no longer having any time to myself, which is excruciating. 

Naomi Osaka showed me something very pivotal. No matter how much your presence means to someone else, it is more important that you maintain integrity and care for yourself in the process. In a time where mental health has become more of a hashtag than a movement, I am declaring that because we went back to “normal” at a rapid speed, I am not the person that I was pre-pandemic. My anxiety is at an all-time high, and I have concluded that I need an “in-between the pandemic” where I am slowly shot out of the cannon. I know it sounds like literal “When Doves Cry,” and I am never satisfied, but trust me, that is not the case. The one thing that the pandemic proved is that we as mothers became innovative in ways to care for ourselves, and that is why the pandemic was actually a blessing. It taught us that there is nothing wrong with sneaking away, and stealing a moment for yourself is imperative. Whether it be in the closet or the bathroom, taking a pause is the name of the game. 

I am grateful for our first responders and the people who kept us safe and full during the pandemic. In a way, I don’t feel like I have a right to feel this level of anxiety because we have nurses and doctors who have worked a full year in a half with no break. However, the weight of everything has been all-consuming, and now that the fog is clearing, I am allowing myself grace because I want to be fair to myself, and I want you to do the same.