Female Trademarks: Beware “It’s Fine!”

Men may think about sex every five seconds, but here’s what women think about every five seconds:  Food, sex, shopping, “Do I need to get my nails done?” “Does this dress make me look fat?” “Should I buy whole grain or honey oat?” “Is my child watching too much TV?” “Is it ok to have another glass of wine?” “What did he really mean when he said that?” “Why can’t I ever find all of the socks from the dryer?” and “Oooohhh, we need to book that spring break trip soon.”

And that is just one example of why we are crazy. But, we are also undeniably so stinking cute, that such illustrations of our craziness ultimately fail to bring us down. Cheers to that!

Anyway, I’d like to think I know a lot about women because I am a (crazy) woman myself, so I’d like to extend some playful insight, spur some laughter and perhaps even offer some advice to the men out there shaking their heads most days *trying* to figure us out. In no particular order, here are the Top 10 Trademarks of Women:

10) When a woman tells you “It’s fine,” it is not fine. At all. 

Actually, nothing is fine when these words are uttered by a woman. Fine never means fine. It really means you must fix this, and you must fix it quickly. Run, do not walk, do not even think about telling her she is being sensitive (even if this is most likely the case). She is holding some serious baggage inside, or maybe it’s not that serious, but she’s angry or hangry or both, so SOS! The “It’s NOT fine” flag is being waved! Figure out how to actually make things fine in the true sense of the word because this ship is sailing with an angry captain.

And on a side note, some men might be saying, well why doesn’t she just tell you what’s on her mind instead of saying, “It’s fine” or “Whatever.” Sometimes women have so much “stuff” and emotions built up inside they cannot verbalize it all and instead of opening up, they shut down and activate defense mechanisms; they are only able to utter an “It’s fine” at the moment. So yep, there’s that. And you should totally still be there for her and try to get her to talk, because ultimately that is what she wants to do, even if at first the words are not coming out. Eventually, they will come out…most likely, a lot of them!

9) Women do not want to be told they are “just being sensitive” or that they should calm down.

Unless you want her to pop a vein in her forehead and potentially show you crazy with a garden tool or kitchen utensil (“I will cut you!”), refrain from telling a woman to calm down, or that she is being too sensitive. Dear goodness, just don’t do it because it’s only going to exacerbate the situation. “I AM calm!” she will roar, because yes, she is a woman, and yes, she is going to freak out at the idea that you do not think she is calm because she is totally calmly uncalm, ok? Tee hee.

8) Keep her well-fed.

I can’t fully explain how women will either cry or rage or shut down when they are truly hungry, but I know it’s a real thing. I’ve witnessed it, I’ve lived it, I’ve unleashed my sheer hangry state at the world. Personally, if I had a warning label affixed to my body, it would say, “For best results, keep well-fed and tell her she’s smart and pretty. Also, thrives at tropical locations.”

Recently on a road trip my husband was knee deep in the depths of my raging hangry bizzo status, and he didn’t even see it coming! He was like a deer in headlights, ready to stuff food in my mouth so we could exorcise the hangry demon beast inside and return back to “normal,” sweet status.

Inevitably, we can’t help what happens to us when our body doesn’t feel well-fueled. Sometimes we are starving lunatics ready to blow, and other times when hangry status has not quite sunk in we are the sweetest individuals ever, cleaning up messes with a smile, opening up doors for people and singing “It’s okkkk!” when our kids drop random shiz everywhere. It’s mom life, y’all. Feed us.

7) Women like to talk.

Correction, most women love to talk! I once said this to a guy at the gym who was telling a few of us about a disagreement/conversation he had with his wife. His response, with zero hesitation, was, total agreement; an overwhelming affirmation with some expletives attached.

All the giggles.

Seriously, by nature women are generally social creatures; we just have a lot of great things to say (darn right we do), we reflect all the time, we gossip all the time (even though we know it’s wrong), we question everything, we want to fix everything, we have great ideas…the list could go on and on. So when we start to talk, it is best to just let us go and get it all out because it’s ultimately going to all come out anyway!

6) We are busy being busy.

Women want people to acknowledge this fact, often and with appreciation. It’s not to say men are not busy, or that they do not want to be shown gratitude, but women especially, definitely crave being noticed for what they do and all that they do! So thank us, thank us often, and if in doubt, thank us some more. Hee hee.

5) Women can be indecisive.

Decisions, even about little things, are tough sometimes! What to wear, what to eat, where to go, what to pack…

I remember once standing in a line at Subway and when it was finally my turn to order, it suddenly hit me that a chicken burrito bowl sounded so much better. Oopsie. Better late than never to finally figure things out, right?

It’s not to say men are not indecisive sometimes as well, but it seems like women spend a little bit more time obsessing about the small things, which can actually turn into big things, which is what women try to avoid, because we are planners and we think a lot and we are awesome. Word to your mother.

4) Yes, we love to shop.

Um, so yeah, we do need all of those shoes. And purses. And yoga pants (even if we don’t actually do yoga). And cute clothes for the kids. And a new foofy doggie bed for the pet. And new chevron organizational bins (especially new chevron organizational bins because, yay, cute organization!). Also, we are going to shop whether you like it or not…online or at the mall or wherever. Whether we have to sprint to the front porch once we get home to scoop up the lovely, beautiful Amazon packages left by the UPS man before you see it, ultimately, it’s going to happen. For most women, it’s just in us to shop and get the best bargains whenever possible. If shopping is wrong, we do not want to be right!

3) We try to do it all.

Sometimes we can do it all; other times not so much. As much coffee as we drink. As big of a to-do list as we create. As many plans as we make. We sometimes envision these perfect schedules and perfect children and a perfect house; it’s nice to be grounded and reminded that life is short and that many things, essentially, do not matter in the end.

Deep down women enjoy being reminded that we are not infallible; that we are not expected to do everything, as hard as we may try to indeed do it all.

2) We nitpick.

This one concerns me the most because of the damage it can cause. Overall, I believe we can all do better in this department.

We asked you to go to the store to get bacon, and you come back with bacon, but it’s not THE bacon we envisioned. But we didn’t tell you whether to get hickory smoked bacon or turkey bacon or thick-cut bacon; we just said bacon. So the man is left speechless that the woman is upset about THE bacon he brought home. Eek!

Over time nitpicking causes hard feelings or allows animosity to fester. Generally speaking, women are notorious for nitpicking, and it’s not attractive.

So, YES, absolutely tell us your feelings and ask us to be more understanding and less critical if that is the case (but also keep in mind #7 and #9 above…tee hee).

1) We just want you to feed us yummy food and tell us we are beautiful.

Not so difficult, right? The bottom line is yes, we know we are intricate, sometimes (ok, often) fragile creatures who love to talk and think (and shop), and love and be loved. And we are nice until it’s time not to be nice. So please feed us pizza or ribs or tacos or whatever, and proceed to tell us how much we do every day and how gorgeous you think we are. Even if we haven’t showered. Even if we are covered in grease or Cheetos or baby poop. Even if we are emotional messes due to lack of sleep. Even if we are hangry, especially if we are hangry. We have so much love and appreciation to give, and inevitably we just want to feel the same in return.

P.S. Do you see a pattern here with food? Yep. Happy, non-hangry wife equals happy life!