A Stressed Out Mommy Anthem

Recently, I had the extreme honor of writing and directing a full length musical for the students at a school which is very near and dear to my heart. It was what we in the theater world call a “jukebox musical,” so all the songs were pop tunes from the past 40 years or so, though we wrote new lyrics to all of them to fit the theme of our show. That got me thinking… what if I took the songs that my children loved to listen to when they were young but made them relevant to our lives today. No matter your child’s age, I think all moms can relate. I’m pretty sure you’ll know the tunes, so just sing them to yourself in your head or out loud if you are prepared for some very odd looks.

“The Wheels on the Van” (tune – “The Wheels on the Bus”)

The Wheels on the van go round and round, ‘cross potholed ground, there’s too much sound! The Wheels on the van go round and round, ALL OVER TOWN.

To school and to work and soccer too, to doctors who give shots for the flu. To practices, tutoring, and play dates, whew! ALL OVER TOWN.

Need gas again now to get through the day, get her to her play, get gifts for birthdays. I don’t know how I make it through all the fray ALL OVER TOWN!

“I Really Need some Starbucks” (tune – “The Itsy Bitsy Spider”)

I really need some Starbucks, it sure would hit the spot. Dreaming of that latte that’s sweet and fresh and hot. Getting through my morning’s a total power drain, and that infusion of caffeine is sure to save my brain.

“If You’re Tired and You Know It” (Tune – “If You’re Happy and You Know It”)

If you’re tired and you know it, give a groan. If you’re tired and you know it, give a groan. Yes you’re tired and you know it but your children they can’t know it, but you’re tired and you know it so you’ll groan.

If you’re cranky and you know it, give a glare. If you’re cranky and you know it, give a glare. Yes, you’re cranky and you know it, to your children you can’t show it, but you’re cranky and you know it so beware!

If you’re stressed out and you know it, bang your head. If you’re stressed out and you know it, bang your head. If you’re stressed out and you know it, want to find a chair and throw it, you’re so stressed out that you want to crawl in bed.

If you’re grateful and you know it, give a sigh. If you’re grateful and you know it, give a sigh. You’re so grateful for this moment, and you really want to own it, for your family you’re so grateful you could die.

“Where is the Sunshine?” (tune – “You Are My Sunshine”)

Where is the sunshine? I need the sunshine. It has been raining since half past three. I need to go out, or there is no doubt I will lose my sanity.

The kids are fighting, the dogs are biting, I heard a loud thump from upstairs. Everyone’s whining, the sun’s not shining, please Mother Nature, hear my prayers.

The wind’s still blowing, electric’s going, the kids are bored out of their minds. I suggest Scrabble, my children babble that I’m way behind the times.

I think it’s clearing, no storm I’m hearing, hey kids go play out in the yard! “It’s cold and muddy, I’ve got to study”. Why is parenting so hard?

“All the Johnsons” (tune – “Old MacDonald”)

All the Johnsons have Iphones – Mom, you are so mean!
Their Iphones are the latest ones. Mom, you are so mean!
With a text text here, and a text text there. Here a text, there a text, everywhere a text text.
All the Johnsons have Iphones. Mom you are so mean!

All the Johnsons have Xbox. Mom you are so mean!
Their Xbox has, like, eighty games. Mom you are so mean!
With a jump, score here and a jump, score there, here a jump, there a score, everywhere a jump, score.
All the Johnsons have Xbox. Mom you are so mean!

The Johnsons went to Disney World. Mom you are so mean!
They’ve been there thirty seven times. Mom you are so mean!
With the Magic here, and the Magic there, Magic here, Magic there, You see it everywhere there.
The Johnsons went to Disney World. Mom you are so mean!

All the Johnsons have cool pets. Mom you are so mean!
Snakes, guniea pigs, birds and fish. Mom you are so mean!
With a hiss hiss here, and a poop poop there, here a squeak, there a squawk, everywhere that you walk.
All the Johnsons have cool pets. Mom you are so mean!

“Mommy Needs a Little Break” (tune – “Mary Had a Little Lamb”)

Mommy needs a little break, for goodness sake, a little break! Mommy needs a little break before she goes insane.

The laundry has all piled up, piled up, piled up! The laundry has all piled up with tons of stubborn stains.

The dishes sit there in the sink, in the sink, in the sink. The dishes sit there in the sink all covered with old food.

The toilet smells like something died, something died, something died, the toilet smells like something died, it’s nasty, gross and crude.

The carpet is all stained with mud, stained with mud, stained with mud. The carpet is all stained with mud that’s tracked in from outside.

There’s food that must be put away, put away, put away. There’s food that must be put away, I can’t set it aside.

Your Daddy’s working late again, late again, late again. Your Daddy’s working late again so I’ll do all the chores.

So Mommy needs a little break, wine and steak, peace and cake.  So in the bedroom I will take a rest behind locked doors.